Sins of The Holy Grail
by Mononoke-hime x sukai kurora
Summary: The Holy Grail sees Shirou's true heart and wish. Instead of stilling the chaos and the violence of fifth century England, Saber finds herself with a dream she thought beyond her reach. As Shirou and Saber learn how to navigate their new reality, they are confronted with truths and tragedies of the Fourth Holy Grail War and of each other's pasts...
1. The True Wish

_ The True Wish_

Shirō could only remain still as Saber's back was turned to him. He could see her blond hair shine against the sun that was almost blinding his eyes, her determined emerald globes burning in determination. Similar to the pain drowning and burning in his heart. _Saber… _He watched Saber prepared to destroy the Grail with Ilya in his arms. The young man almost squeezed the unconscious child against the blanket that she wore as the pain coursed through his veins and his mind became too much for him. He felt as if he was physically dying, seeing what was before him. As Saber's sword shone its rays of gold and blue against the sun, Shirō watched as the point of the sword was aimed in the direction of the Grail, Saber facing the one object that would grant her only wish.

His amber eyes observed of the chaos around them. The Ryūdō Temple was practically destroyed. The trees above them still had their pinkish hue, and the dark liquid of the Grail still oozed. _I want to keep being with her. But…if I truly loved her, that would be wrong. _His breath inwardly hitched as he had made the decision to let Saber, his love, go to fulfill her duty. Shirō understood her dream that had haunted her, the wish dearest to her heart. Of course he understood her wish. Ever since he had known she had been king, Shirō could feel the guilt and despair that she carried on her shoulders. It was similar to the guilt that he held as his own, since the fire of ten years ago.

_But…the way she carries the guilt…_ Shirō had thought he felt his heart stop when Saber had told him that not even he could compare to the Grail. That day, he had forced himself not to look at her, acknowledging now that fear had controlled him, not anger. What if he saw nothing on her face? What if…she truly cared about her people more than himself?

Shirō understood why Saber why she was determined to save her people. By the tone of her voice when she talked about her past, Shirō could tell by her very being that she loved her people. She loved them as if they were there beside her still, despite many centuries past. Even though she know simply remained a legend. Even though her people betrayed her and caused her death, she wanted to save them from the ruin and destruction that she believed herself had brought. _You defy me to the very end… _Shirō had thought as he stared at the woman that had captured his heart. Saber herself had thought that he would understand her. _"I thought you would understand me, Shirō."_

_I understand you know, my dear…forever Saber, _Shirō thought as he stared at her back. _She completes me, _he thought as the wind stroked his face. _She completes me more than anything could. I…love Saber. _And now Saber was about to leave him to complete her fate, to die sacrificing what was truly in her heart for her people. She lived and died for them. _Her pride is the one thing I mustn't injure. _That was one of the many things Shirō loved about Saber.

"_Some things are beautiful because they are unattainable." That bastard Gilgamesh was right about one thing, _Shirō thought as Saber yelled a battle cry as her sword point aimed at the Grail. _Some things _are _unattainable… _His heart clenched in agony as he watched Saber, watching her for the probably the last time.

Suddenly, Shirō heard a voice in his head. _Emiya Shirō…this wish it not true to what truly lies in you I can see your very heart in me…every person that has won the Grail, I see their soul and their dreams. _Shirō gulped, feeling the liquid seep down in his throat. His mouth became dry, and his breath was starting to catch in his throat. _I see a woman in your dreams, the same woman standing in front of you now. …How naïve to fall in love with your own Servant. I show you what you truly want, Emiya Shirō_. Shirō shakily took a step back, trembling as his thoughts became erratic as memories that he thought were peaceful in his heart came to him again in such a longing pain it was all he could do but not scream.

_No,_ Shirō thought furiously. _No! I want Saber to win the Grail! I…simply want her to be happy! _The words became hollow in his mind as he thought of them. How long had he stayed in bed at night, thinking about Saber disappearing, forever? Why had it feel as if…everything was gone, simply without her?

His thoughts completely disappeared when he realized that the background of the Ryūdō Temple had vanished. Shirō's vision came to focus, seeing the familiar brown floors and the shoji screens. _I'm…here? _Shirō thought numbly as he stared in his house in shock. _Why I am here? _His hesitant steps echoed along the floor, realizing that there were some subtle differences in the hallways. There were more pictures along the walls, surprisingly of Shirō and Saber. The young mage was too confused to notice the delicate detail that in most of the pictures the two were holding hands or in a chaste kiss. Shirō continued to walk, his apprehension intensifying as he looked into each room and found no one. _Why is the Grail showing this to me? _The rooms were no different than from the time he had left with Saber to fight the last battle for the Holy Grail.

Shirō found himself in the dojo again, seeing the familiar kendo swords stacked neatly against the floor and the names of former students against the wall. Shirō softly smiled, remembering the many hours he had spent sparring and training with Saber. His curiosity peaked when he could see a name written in katakana above where a blank space used to be. _Arturia…Pendragon…? _Shirō thought in confusion. However, before he could think more on the discovery, a sudden sound echoed in his ears. Shirō recognized it, even though he had never heard her laugh before. _Saber? _ Shirō had seen Saber with fury, defiance, and had even seen a small smile grace her face when he had improved at swordsmanship, but the happiness that seemed to come from the laugh almost stunned him as he stood before her. Her hair was shorter than before, reaching only to her neck, and she appeared older. Shirō noted that she was wearing a traditional kimono, the dark blue and gold trim enhancing her beauty as she lied her head against a man's shoulder.

"It's a beautiful day, isn't it, Shirō?" The young mage was surprised by the seeping gentleness from her voice. Normally Saber would hold her emotions close to her, and would appear aloof to other people that did not know her. Now as he stared into Saber's bright green eyes, Shirō wondered what had caused her to be happy. _Wait…why do she say my name? _

"It is, Arturia." _Arturia…? _Shirō was not prepared to see himself have Saber's head on his shoulders. He looked older, his auburn hair reaching past his neck, his golden eyes missing the trauma that had been within during the long years since the Fourth Holy Grail War. He appeared to be wearing a similar kimono that his father used to wear, only it was white and not black. A small loving smile graced his older self as he stared at Saber. _Wait…is the master of the dojo Arturia? …Saber? _Shirō could only focus on the loving looks his older self and Saber gave each other, his mind almost collapsing. Saber was still here. She was here, with him. Not becoming a memory of the past that he would forget. Why was longing coursing through him when he could see his older self kissing Saber? Why was his hand shaking and…was that tears in his eyes? A strangled sound suddenly came from him, as he watched the happiness that he could never have. _Saber…why must you pain me so? I…love you… _Shirō thought as hot tears trailed down his pale cheeks. _And yet I cannot have you… _

_ Do you see what your heart truly wants now, Emiya Shirō? _At the sound of the voice, Shirō found himself where Saber was about to destroy the Grail. Ilya was in his arms, the soft blanket that she wore against his skin. _You don't want to even be a hero anymore….you only want one thing. _Although it felt as if tears were streaking down his face, Shirō felt his eyes were dry. _And that is Saber._

"Saber!" Shirō screamed. Saber turned towards him and he hoped she could hear the desperation in his voice. "Destroy the Grail! Now!" Again, the voice was tempting him of something that wasn't right. _My happiness shouldn't be sacrificed for hers! It…can't. _He could see her eyes now, concerned now as the determination she once had now fading as she looked at his desperate face. _A loving look appeared in her eyes…_ Shirō violently shook his head. _That is not to be! _

"Saber, please!"

As the beam from Excalibur started to embed itself into the Grail, Shirō felt tears, hot and thick, leaking from his eyes as he tried to close his eyes. _I will see her again…as long as we stare at the same sky, we'll never be apart… _The words only made him cry harder though, realizing of the foolishness of his words. _Never be apart…as the pain tears me into living, walking corpse. _

_I will grant your wish, Emiya Shirō, _the Grail whispered.

Shirō opened his eyes, a scream almost clogging his throat as tears continued to fall from his eyes. His feverish eyes could only focus on the brightening Grail before them.

"No!" he screamed. "Stop!"


	2. Distant Dreams

_Distant Dreams_

Saber wouldn't speak to him. It had only been a week after the Fifth Holy Grail War had ended, and yet she still wouldn't speak to him. For sure, Saber still ate with them with every breakfast and dinner, which now included Ilya now that she had recovered, but Saber didn't even look at him when his eyes desperately tried to gaze into her eyes. She simply excused herself with cold politeness when she was finished with her meal, and left to go ponder in her room. Shirō could only glance longingly at her back and feel the pain building up in his chest. _I didn't want this, _he wanted to plead to her. _I didn't want this at all! _Or did he? He remembered of how he had screamed for the Grail to stop granting his wish deep within his heart as tears run down his cheeks. But then, another memory kept surfacing as well as Shirō stared blankly at his food. Kotomine Kirei, who he detested with every bone in his body, had been the one to tell him that he could allow Saber to drink from the Grail to grant her another life.

If not that, then he could use his last Command Seal to force her to live a second life. It was during that time when Saber had told him she would destroy the Grail that Shirō thought about using his Command Seal to give him that one wish. _What have I been fighting for?_ Shirō had asked himself in frustration that night when he had spoken with Kotomine Kirei. _What did I want to accomplish? _Despite his heartbreak then and now Shirō immediately knew the answer. He wanted to be a Hero of Justice, something that he was certain would always be his goal, especially since the old man had died. Never did he think that something so powerful would replace it. _I don't want to lose her._

Now she appeared lost to him, more than she would have been if she had been granted her wish.

"Shirō?" The auburn-haired mage looked up to find Fuji-nee staring at him. Her usual cheerful face was replaced by one of concern. Her warm amber eyes appeared to darken slightly at Shirō's still hands. He hadn't eaten since Saber had left. "Shirō, what's wrong?"

Shirō hoped that his smile was as convincing to himself as it was to her. "It's nothing, Fuji-nee. I…just haven't been hungry lately." His voice faltered slightly at the end, and Shirō hoped that Fuji-nee would lose focus and start wanting him to fill up her rice bowl again.

"Shirō, I've known you as long as you've been in your father's care." Her eyes were too intense to look away. It was almost as if she was teaching him kendo again, when he had been a child. "I have never seen you so upset before…except when Kiritsugu-_san_ died." Shirō stiffened at the mention of the old man. The mention from Kotomine Kirei had made the wounds reopen again. "Now, what is wrong between you and Saber-_chan_?" Then suddenly her face morphed into distress. "It's not because of cultural differences, is it?"

Shirō allowed himself a small laugh. "No, it's nothing like that, Fuji-nee. It's just…" His voice quieted and became somber. "I did something that upset her."

Fuji-nee continued looking at him carefully, noting of how his normally peaceful eyes appeared dull and the food that he relished in was sitting cold by his side. Saber-_chan _too appeared different. Her politeness and sense of calm were now nonexistent as the young woman simply isolated herself from her and everyone else, including Shirō.

"Tell her you're sorry," Fuji-nee told him. Shirō looked at her in bewilderment. "Tell her it's your fault for whatever happened." She gave him a small smile to his confused expression "It always works."

Shirō was now conflicted. _My wish caused her dream to die, _he thought as Fuji-nee continued to smile at him. It wouldn't be as simple as Fuji-nee had made it out to be. _I have wounded her pride, the pride that allowed her to be king, and…I may have lost her love as well. _Shirō continued to ponder as he continued to stare at Saber's empty plate. _I took something precious to her…but I have to try to gain her trust, if not love, back._

With a quiet thank you for Fuji-nee, Shirō walked back into the hallway where Saber's room was located. He knew from memory that almost no possessions were in there; only a futon. Despite himself, Shirō allowed himself a smile at Saber's frugalness. Unlike most people in the modern age, Saber didn't waste anything. He remembered of the lecture she had given Tohsaka when she had almost thrown her food away into the garbage can. _"You should never waste anything, for you do not know when you might need it." _Tohsaka had grumbled about the lecture, but Shirō had simply laughed. Heaving a sigh as he dispelled the memory, Shirō called Saber's name.

"Saber?" After a couple of moments Shirō knocked lightly on the shoji screen. "Saber? Are you in there?"

There was a quiet rustle in the room as Shirō waited. Suddenly the screen opened, and Saber was standing in front of him. She was wearing her normal outfit that she wore when she had not been in her knight attire, and her face was as beautiful as it always had been. Her eyes seemed emotionless as she soundlessly motioned Shirō to sit.

"I am angry, Shirō." The young mage inwardly gulped at the burning anger in Saber's eyes. "You broke my trust when the Grail…forced me into this form of another life." Her voice became colder as she looked him. "Why did you tell the Grail of your true wish, Shirō?"

There was no gentleness when she spoke his name. Only anger.

"I didn't mean for the Grail to hear my thoughts," Shirō whispered as he tried to not look into Saber's eyes. "The Grail…stated that it could hear the winners' souls and dreams." He visibly swallowed. "It told me that I could have my true dream, but that did not mean I wanted it to happen." His fists clenched, and his eyes turned into liquid sorrow as he stared into Saber's unflinching eyes. "Didn't you hear me scream?"

For a while there was no response. Shirō could see no emotion waver across Saber's face, and for a moment, he thought she had rejected him. He bit his lip as he waited for her to speak, waiting for anything, when she closed her eyes and sighed.

"I heard you scream, Shirō. That day, I could hear you telling me to destroy the Grail. But…" For a moment she stiffened. Her voice faltered. "My people needed me. My people, who needed their king." Shirō could hear the agony in Saber's voice as she spoke with a heaviness Shirō had not seen before. "The Grail took it away from me. _You_…took it away from me. Now my people will die without the peace and stability I wanted to give them with my last breath."

Anger clouded Shirō's mind as he heard the words again. That was similar to what she told him at the bridge. "You would have died, Saber!" Grief immediately poured from his lips. "Don't you care about your life?"

Sharp emerald eyes stopped Shirō from uttering another word. "It is an honor for a king to die for his people." Her expression turned colder. "Is it not selfless to die for the people you love, Shirō?"

"If I could die if you could live, I would." Saber's stunned expression echoed into Shirō's thoughts as he spoke. "For you, I would do it one thousand times over." _More than that. _"The Grail," he whispered, "could see that, and it granted me a wish that I thought was far out of my reach." His eyes started to sting as he continued to gaze longingly at Saber's face. "I didn't mean for it to…but it happened."

Suddenly Shirō could see tears running down Saber's face. They were almost like silver, like the moon shining like the night they had first met. Shirō opened his mouth to say something, but Saber shook her head.

"When Kiritsugu used his last Command Seal to destroy the Grail when he was my Master, a deep despair took over me. I couldn't save my people from the destruction and anarchy that I had brought." Her voice was almost inaudible and shook ever so slightly. "I wanted to save them, for if I had been able to put my sword into the lake…someone would find it and peace would reign again." Tears continued to trail down her cheeks, falling against her clothes. "And now…my wish was denied again by a simple dream deep with my heart." Saber's heartbroken expression started to show as despair openly showed itself in her eyes. "My people are dead because of me. How…will they ever forgive me, their foolish king?"

Saber slightly gasped when Shirō immediately put his arms around her. Her wet tears touched his face, and the grief in both of their eyes were identical as Shirō grasped her hand around his own.

_"Gomen nasai," _he stated his breath brushed against her cheek. He was certain she could feel the warm tears falling from him eyes. _"Gomen nasai." _He kept repeating it over and over again. "I didn't want to cause you so much pain, Saber. I'm….so sorry." The tears were blinding him now. "I know that you can never go back to save your people, the people that you hold dear, and I am sorry I was not able to fulfill your wish." Shirō swallowed thickly, now meeting her eyes. His trembling hand dried away her tears. "But now…you have to live again." He pulled his face close to hers. "You have to live again, Saber."

"Lancer stated that a Heroic Spirit has no need for a second life," Saber whispered as she stared into Shirō's face.

"Lancer is Lancer, and you are you," Shirō stated as he softly stroked Saber's hand with his own. "To me, you are more than a hero from the past. You are my love, Saber." A soft smile graced his face, now genuine this time. Saber closed her eyes briefly, the last of her tears drying away.

Now again she opened her eyes. The warm emerald depths were existent again, and Saber's expression became one of peace.

"Shirō…thank you."


	3. Peaceful Calm

_Peaceful Calm_

"Hey, Saber…"

Saber looked up from her breakfast and looked at Shirō, chopsticks in her hands. It had been only last night that they had reconciled their relationship, and Shirō found it immensely relieving that he could now look at her face that no longer had a mask of anger. Ilya, who was sitting beside them, stared at Shirō curiously.

"Your true name is Arturia Pendragon, right?" The name was foreign against his lips, but yet Shirō found the name to be beautiful and somewhat regal. Saber's eyes slightly widened at the sound of her true name for a moment before she stared at Shirō in astonishment.

"How do you know my name?" Saber asked. "I had yet to reveal it to you." A faint blush ordained her cheeks.

"…I saw it when the Grail showed me my wish." Shirō stated this carefully, for he didn't know how Saber would react to the mention of the Grail. She appeared calm, and Shirō was surprised when a small smile echoed against her lips.

"During the Holy Grail, I had no time to tell you my name. You also seemed to be comfortable addressing me as Saber, so I didn't say anything." An expression of relief echoed across her face. "I am happy to know that you know my name now, Shirō."

Since falling asleep late into the night, Shirō had pondered upon the wish that the Grail had shown to him. He remembered of the happiness that appeared in his dream, and the name Arturia remained in his mind. A question appeared in his mind then, and had grown considerably as he prepared breakfast for a then sleeping Ilya and Saber. _And now I have to ask it._

"Could I call you Arturia?" The question was laced in hesitation. "I know I have called you Saber until now, but since you're beginning you second life, I thought…"

"It is alright, Shirō." Immediately Shirō began to calm at the sound of her voice. He watched her emerald eyes gentle in compassion. "You don't have to be afraid of mentioning that I am now human again." Shirō watched as Sab – no, Arturia – began to eat again. He observed in relative amusement that her rice bowl was almost empty, and was about to ask her if she would like another bowl when Ilya spoke.

"Arturia is an ugly name." Shirō's chopsticks fell on the floor as Ilya stared at a stunned Shirō and a sudden glowering Arturia. "Who would name such a child that?" Her bright red eyes slightly morphed into confusion as the stoned silence continued. "It's ugly as she is."

"Ilya!" Shirō reprimanded the girl. Ilya looked at Shirō in bewilderment. "What's wrong, Shirō?" Her childish expression made Shirō remember of when she had looked at him as an enemy and had almost killed him without a second thought. "I thought you would agree."

Her continuing innocent demeanor continued to annoy Arturia.

"Illaysviel is not the most beautiful name either." Arturia stated to a shocked Ilya as Shirō looked at them in exasperation. "I wonder why anyone would give a name to such a disrespectful child."

"My mother gave me this name!" Ilya yelled with her fists pounding on the table. Arturia looked at her expressionlessly as the child started to cry.

"My father gave me my name as well." Her voice was cool and lacking sympathy as Ilya continued to cry. "It would be wise for me to not insult my name, for you are insulting him if you are insulting me."

"You insulted mine!" Ilya whined.

"Stop!" Shirō's hard voice made both of them turn. "I know both of you don't particularly like each other, but could you not insult each other?" Both Arturia and Ilya looked at each other briefly for a moment and nodded.

"My anger clouded my judgment, Ilya." Arturia stated quietly. "I apologize."

Ilya stared at the former Heroic Spirit in shock. Shirō softly laughed at her expression. _She didn't expect her to forgive her right away. _Before Ilya could respond however, a familiar voice echoed in the hallway.

"Shirō! Saber!" The auburn-haired mage forced himself not to sigh. _Why now, Tohsaka? _"Are you in here?" Tohsaka Rin appeared shortly after in the kitchen. Her blue eyes observed the three before sitting down next to Ilya. "How are you doing, Saber? It must feel strange to not be a Heroic Spirit anymore."

Arturia visibly relaxed at the presence of one their former allies. "Since I am no longer a Servant, Shirō thought it best if he referred me by my name." Shirō hoped that Tohsaka didn't notice a faint blush across his cheeks. "And you, Rin?" She observed Tohsaka carefully. "Are your wounds completely healed now?"

The mention of her wounds made Shirō's brief peace become somber. Tohsaka had been found seriously wounded by an attack by Kotomine Kirei a week ago. Shirō still remembered of how she had pleaded with him – in her way – to defeat Kotomine Kirei and win the Holy Grail as her blood smeared against the walls. Shirō had been stunned to find Tohsaka almost completely healed when he had found her in her house. She had managed to heal her wounds enough to be able to transport herself using magic. During the battle between Kotomine Kirei and Gilgamesh, Tohsaka's wounds had remarkably healed from the jewels stored with her mana.

She was surprised that Saber was with Shirō still, and had asked about the Grail when Saber politely asked to leave. It was there that Shirō told Tohsaka everything that had occurred since she had been found wounded in his house. Now as she heard Arturia's name, Tohsaka smiled at the thought that the rift between the former Master and Servant had been healed.

"I am fine. I just needed to rest for a week." Shirō noticed of how Tohsaka was looking at him with a semi-sweet smile. "Shirō, you have the week's homework for me, correct?" _By that, she means by completed homework. _Shirō nodded. "So, Arturia…what do you want to do now?"

"I have no idea what to do," she said truthfully. Her emerald eyes darkened in an unknown emotion. "I have lived my life by the will of my people, even as a Heroic Spirit, and now that I have been given a second life…I do not know what to do with myself." _Saber was still where he had left her, by the bridge, staring at the sky. She had told him that she had tried to do as he told her to, to think of what _she _wanted to do, but came up with no answer no matter how much time had passed. _The memory was still fresh in Shirō's mind, and he remembered of how lost she had seemed that time, not looking at all like the king proudly known as King Arthur. Shirō felt sadness gather in his stomach, knowing that Arturia truly did not know how to live in her second life.

Tohsaka silently listened for a moment before she smiled. "You have your own life now, Arturia. You can now live your own life now that you aren't bound by duties of kingship." _Shit, _Shirō thought frantically, _that is not the right thing to say, Tohsaka!_

Shirō froze and he coughed nervously as Arturia's eyes flashed. "I did not want a second life." Her voice was cool and her expression hard as she stared at her blinking friend. "I had no need for one." Arturia's expression slightly softened. "I was happy to live and fight for my people, and I was willing to die for them a thousand times over so they could live in peace." Shirō swallowed. Her words reminded him of when they had fought by the bridge, when he had told her that she was like a spoiled child wanting a do-over for her mistakes. _"I thought you out of all people would understand me, Shirō." That is not true, _Shirō thought now as he watched Arturia measure her words. _She is simply a selfless person who loved her people. _His amber eyes slightly blinked as Arturia stared at her hands, her expression unreadable. _That is…_

"How can I live this life knowing that I left my people to die?" Arturia stated. Tohsaka stared at her in shock with her blue eyes staring as she witnessed the former king emotionally clenching her fists. "How can I live and be happy, knowing that my selfishness caused my people to die without their king?"

"Arturia…" Shirō started to say, but Tohsaka interrupted him.

"Given of how you have an appearance of a teenage girl, Arturia, I would suggest that you should enroll in high school."

Tohsaka pointedly ignored Arturia's slightly confused expression at the change of topic and of Shirō's horrified expression. _Why is this happening? _Shirō thought in mild horror at the sound of those words. It had been bad enough with Fuji-nee thinking he could have been sleeping with Saber and Tohsaka at one point because they lived in his house, but now the mockery would follow him in school. _And I won't know how to interact around her either, as a student. I can't even imagine her wearing a uniform!_

"High school is a form of higher learning, correct?" Arturia asked as Shirō was sweating nervously.

"I want to go to high school too!" Ilya exclaimed. Shirō sweat-dropped as her tiny hands embraced him in a backward hug.

"You're too young, Ilya." Shirō tried to explain to the beaming child. "You're not even old enough to be a first year elementary student yet." Shirō's expression became bewildered when Ilya stared to shake her head.

"No, I'm not! I'm – "

"You're too young." Tohsaka said so sharply that Ilya sat down. The child sulked as Tohsaka turned to Arturia again.

"Yes. In high school, you will be a third year student at the Homurahara Academy." A bright smile ordained her face. "Just like Shirō and I." Arturia looked at Tohsaka in slight confusion.

"I thought you and Shirō were second year students."

"We were," Tohsaka stated with a slight nod, "but now that school is closed until the term begins in April, we are now third year students."

"Sakura-_san _will be a second year student then?" Shirō could see Tohsaka's eyes widen for a second before she took a sharp breath.

"She is." _What is it between her and Sakura? _Shirō wondered as Tohsaka reverted back to her normal demeanor. _When Sakura visited three days ago, Tohsaka couldn't even look at her. _"You will be a foreign exchange student from England, given how….Fujimura-_sensei _remarked on your appearance." Arturia nodded, but her eyes were slightly downcast, and Shirō could see slightly sadness in her eyes. He could see that Tohsaka looked uncomfortable but made no comment. The expression in her eyes too looked far away. "I'll see you next month then," Tohsaka stated with a slight smile as she walked away.

"Arturia…" Shirō stated carefully as he tried to look into Arturia's eyes. He didn't know what to say as to the former king. "I'm sorry," was the only thing that came to mind.  
"Do you think my people are happy, Shirō?" Arturia asked softly.

"I'm certain they are," the auburn haired mage said quietly with gentleness. "It okay to have a second life, Arturia. It doesn't mean you don't care for your people." He paused, allowing her words to settle in her mind. "It simply means that you care for your people more, I think, because you are willing to live another life, remembering their sacrifice…and I am certain they would be happy you had another life."

For a brief moment the sadness in Arturia's eyes depleted. A brief sense of peaceful calm was expressed on her face. A look a tenderness appeared in her eyes as she stared at her former Master. "Thank you, Shirō."

_I know it's not enough at this point, _Shirō thought as he watched Arturia began to finish her meal. _She still feels as if she should not be here…but for now, it is enough. _


	4. Beginning

_Beginning_

It had been a month since Tohsaka had stated that the former Heroic Spirit should enroll in school now that she had begun her second life. Although Shirō was comfortable with the Arturia that he had known as Saber during the war, it still struck him sometimes that she was there with him, in the present, and not in his memories. Most of the time both of them were simply content to be in each other's presence during the warn days of spring. Other times they talked, not really about anything, but trivial matters. There were times when Shirō saw the sadness in Arturia's eyes when she thought his own gaze was elsewhere.

There was nothing else Shirō could do about Arturia's pain at the present time. He had tried talking to her multiple times, but Arturia wouldn't respond to his questions. When the questions and concerns became too much, Shirō noted of how Arturia would spend hours on end training in the dojo – as if she wanted the pain to go away. Every time when Arturia would return from the dojo panting and perspiration covering her forehead, Shirō would always apologize to her. Arturia would then simply tell him quietly that he had nothing to be sorry for before she disappeared into her room. _No, you're wrong._ Shirō had thought as his stared at the former king as she walked away. _I have everything to be sorry for, for making you upset. _His fists clenched. _That in itself is a reason for an apology. _Beyond the relative happiness that she had, guilt lingered in Arturia's heart, and Shirō believed he was the only one that noticed.

He remembered of the day when Fujimura-sensei had taken Arturia to register in the Academy, and when Sakura had taken Arturia to measure her for the uniform she was now to wear. She seemed to be the same Arturia to them: calm, kind, and somewhat distant. Shirō had seen of how she had stared blankly at her new uniform, the messenger bag on the futon in the dead of night. It didn't matter of how his classmates would react to a young English girl that lived in his house, sleeping next to his room, Fujimura-sensei would add. The teasing about their relationship wouldn't matter. What mattered was Arturia, and her feelings.

Now, however, as the first day of school began, Shirō's anxiety came over him again. He was expecting comments about the situation with Arturia, but even so, Shirō felt hurt when he was mocked openly. The rumors likely to spread would be torture. _And lastly, _Shirō thought with a faint blush to his cheeks, _will I be able to handle Arturia in a uniform? _Even as a Servant under the name Saber, the former king had been beautiful. How would he react seeing her in a uniform? Shirō swallowed thickly.

"Arturia?" he called. He slightly knocked on the shoji screen. "Breakfast is ready."

"I'm coming," replied the blond through the screen. It took only a moment for the shoji screen to open, with Arturia standing somewhat self-consciously in the doorway.

_She's beautiful, _Shirō immediately thought. The uniform fit her perfectly. The white shirt with the red lining against the cuffs were across her writs, only slightly showing as she wore the brown jacket. Shirō averted his eyes away from the black skirt that covered her knees, instead looking at her face. The blue ribbon in her hair was kept, and her hair was kept the same. A warm feeling settled in Shirō's stomach, and he allowed himself a smile.

The walk to school was a quiet one. Shirō and Arturia walked side by side as Sakura walked slightly behind. None of them spoke. It was if each of them were cautious about disrupting the peace that each mind had created. When they arrived at the entrance of the Academy, Shirō and Arturia said goodbye to Sakura. She would be starting a new school year on the second level of the school and not on the first as last year, and she wanted to make certain she wouldn't be late. Shirō and Arturia stood next to each other as the students continued to pass them. Although homeroom was about to start, both former Master and Servant wanted a brief moment of peace as they stood side by side. They had seen Tohsaka in the hallways, and had briefly said hello to each other before they entered their retrospective homerooms.

Every pair of eyes seemed to be on the two as they walked into the room. Shirō recognized classmates from his homeroom last year, and of other students in the hallways. The auburn-haired mage ignored their piercing stares and sat down towards the back. Arturia sat down across from him. Whispers immediately ensued.

"Who's the girl that's sitting next to Emiya?"

"She looks pretty…"

"Is she an exchange student from Europe? I've never seen hair that color before."

Shirō and Arturia didn't pay any heed to the growing whispers around them. Shirō had heard such whispers before when he had befriended Shinji in junior high school as a second year student. Students had wondered how such a kind and hardworking boy like Emiya Shirō would have a crude and cruel friend like Matou Shinji. Other, more somber whispers had followed him too ten years ago, when he recently been adopted. The whispers had haunted him especially when he had entered school as a new student. Shirō remembered mostly being avoided, and somewhat feared. He was always alone.

A small child, younger than him, had run away after he had been trying to help, crying as tears trailed down her cheeks. His father had explained why it seemed that everyone was wary around him. _"It's your eyes, Shirō. They have seen what others have not, and they are afraid of those eyes." _The old man face had softened at Shirō's distressed expression. _"They'll see who you truly are, Shirō. Someday you won't be a broken boy anymore." _Even though ten years had passed, not very many people associated with Shirō. It wasn't something that had happened to him. The auburn-haired student had simply chosen to. As his thoughts drifted to the emerald-eyed Arturia, he saw that she was listening closely to a hushed conversation. Shirō immediately turned to listen.

"…They're saying he's missing. Matou Shinji." Shirō's eyes widened at the mention of Shinji. _Oh god… _In truth, Shirō had no idea what had happened to the body of Shinji when Ilya had killed him. He didn't think to ask the young girl. Now as he sat there listening, however, Shirō thought they had made a grave mistake of leaving Shinji's body alone. "He hasn't been seen in a month, and his own _grandfather_ isn't looking for him."

"I heard that the grandfather isn't a nice man. In fact, his younger son mysteriously died ten years ago." The student absentmindedly ran her fingers through her hair. "There's a rumor that said that the old man killed him." She sighed. "Can you imagine, a father killing his own son?" For a brief moment, Shirō thought he saw Arturia's expression slightly harden at the mention of the younger son of Shinji's grandfather, but when he turned to ask her if she was okay, her expression was calm again.

"What happened to Matou Shinji, though? I mean, he wasn't a nice person either, but…"

"Good morning, everyone!"

The attention switched to Fujimura-sensei, who was now standing in the classroom. The light-brown haired sensei had surprisingly not fallen on her own feet, which was common in the three years that Shirō had her as an English teacher. Sometimes when he upset Fujimura-sensei by reprimanding her about coming over to his house to eat, she would speak in English, knowing deplorable grades in the subject. It didn't help matters that Sakura could speak English perfectly. Now as Shirō watched as Fujimura-sensei began her annual beginning year speech, he couldn't help but wonder if he should try to learn English again. _Maybe Arturia would feel better if I spoke her tongue to her, _he thought. Suddenly Fujimura-sensei looked towards Shirō.

"We have a new foreign exchange student today," she stated as Arturia began to walk towards the center of the room. "She will be graduating with you all, and I hope you will treat her kindly." Shirō had thought that Arturia looked as regal as she looked as she had been when she had been king as she walked. There no hesitance in her step, or nervous eye movements as she walked to stand near Fujimura-sensei.

"My name is Arturia Pendragon." The words were smooth and clear, and Shirō watched as the other students were spellbound by this apparently young girl. "I am from England, and I am pleased to meet you." She slightly bowed her head, and waited for a nod from Fujimura-sensei before sitting across from Shirō. The auburn haired man could see stares already, and the curiosity and suspicion aimed at him. _I hope I make it through this day without anyone commenting about our relationship. _

Shirō told himself that it obvious that Arturia would have admirers before the end of the first day. She had once been king, and a certain…charisma and grace had been key if you to rule a kingdom in the early centuries. That is what he kept telling himself. After all, hadn't_ he_ himself felt attracted to her the night they had met? It was hard though as Arturia was pursued by several third years, asking the confused knight if they would like to eat lunch with them. Their invitations came to a halt when Arturia told them she would be eating lunch with Shirō. The amber-eyed young man tried to ignore their incredulous looks as they glared at him. Soon enough there was another problem. Issei, his friend since first year, had been hurt that Shirō had not told him about his new friend. Shirō had apologized and stated that he was very busy during the last month of school, but that had only caused Issei to not believe him. It was only when the frustrated young man had explained that Arturia had become his girlfriend at that time that Issei understood. He actually smiled at Shirō, telling him that he had made a good choice. Soon Arturia had made a friend with Issei, and as they went back to their homeroom to finish their classes, Issei remarked that he had never seen such a kind and genuine woman as Arturia. _"She's different from Tohsaka, Emiya. I like her." _

As Shirō cooked as Arturia quietly conversed about her school day with Sakura and Tohsaka, Shirō thought that Issei had spoken the truth. He thought about what would have happened if the Grail had allowed the former king to fulfill her wish. Would he have truly accepted what had happened, only remembering the young woman he loved through memories? Or would he have died inside, slowly withering away inside until there wasn't anything left?

_Whatever outcome, _Shirō thought as he watched the meat begin to cook, _I am grateful she is more than a memory. _


	5. Sakura's Tears

Warnings for OOC Sakura.

* * *

_Sakura's Tears_

Matou Shinji was found dead in a park not far away from Fuyuki City a week later. It was reported that a dog had found the body shortly after digging into a fairly recent soil. A body with slight decay wearing the familiar Homurahara uniform had been found in a self-made grave that night. The news report made Shirō blanch and look at Ilya for her expression. The silver-haired child had no expression on her face, slightly mirroring the Tohsaka's and Arturia's grim faces as the body was seen in a body bag and transported into an ambulance. Shirō felt dread gathering at the bottom of his stomach. What would happen now that Shinji was found? The doctors would see the wounds that caused Shinji's death. Something that wasn't human, or from this world, for that matter. Shirō's dismayed gaze tried to meet Sakura's, who appeared to be shaking and pale. Shirō felt pity for the teenage girl.

"Sakura, I'm –" he tried to say, but the second year student refused to meet his gaze and abruptly ran from the room. Shirō thought he saw tears from her eyes. The television was abruptly turned off, and Tohsaka suddenly turned her blue eyes towards his own.

"Don't tell me you were going to apologize to her," she stated in disapproval. Her arms crossed, and her expression turned sour. "We all know what type of menace he was."

Shirō remembered. He had been enraged when the blue-haired mage had tried to increase his power through the death of his own classmates. They had briefly fought, and Shirō recalled Shinji's panicked and cowardly expression when he told Shinji that he was going to kill him. He had known Shinji since junior high school, and had been the only true friend he had until the Fifth Holy Grail War. Shinji had always been a coward, Shirō summarized. _Whenever I tried to stop bullies from hurting other people, he wouldn't do anything to help me even though I would often get the shit beaten out of me. He just stood there….and watched. _Shinji always had people fight his fights for him. Even though they were friends, Shirō realized that Shinji was only using him for his own means. It eventually came to a point in the relationship when Shinji simply laughed at him for his stupidity.

"_An ally of justice, Emiya? You're a fool." _His former friend's laughter had hurt, more so that Shirō had told very few people of what he dreamed of. Although the two remained civil after their lost friendship, another strain was put onto their relationship when the auburn-haired student had heard that Shinji was bullying his younger sister, Sakura. Shirō had seen the first year student in the hallways, quiet and kind to the others around her. Seeing a kind girl such as her bullied by one of the few families members that she had caused uncharacteristic anger to grow in Shirō. He had confronted Shinji about what he had heard. Shirō memory of that night was burned into his memory, but he refused to think about that now. _I wonder what his wish was, _Shirō thought briefly.

"I know, Tohsaka." The auburn-haired mage stated shortly. "It's just that Shinji was Sakura's brother, and his death must be a shock to her," he stated softly as he thought about his own reaction to Kiritsugu's death. He had stared at the sky for hours where they usually sat, stunned and hurt so deep he couldn't even speak. "It must hurt."

Tohsaka nodded shortly in response when Arturia spoke.

"Is there any chance that the law enforcement will think it was murder?" she asked. Shirō looked at her carefully. Although her tone was calm, Shirō could detect uncertainty in the former Heroic Spirit's expression.

"I'm not sure," Shirō quietly confessed. The weapon dealt by Berserker had been ancient, and a brief worry came to his mind until he reassuringly took Arturia's hand and smiled. "It's going to be okay, Arturia." Shock conveyed in the emerald's eyes, and a faint blush ordained her cheeks as Shirō held her hand. He had not done that before. A gentle smile echoed across her face as she stared at him. She gently squeezed his hand, as the worry faded from his mind at the image of her face.

Many people at school, although none apparently liked Shinji, apologized to Shirō and occasionally Arturia during the week of his death. It came to point when the auburn-haired mage became angry, thinking, _Why the hell don't they apologize to Sakura? _When he had asked them that, expressions of confusion and bewilderment echoed across their faces. Apparently, no one knew who Sakura was, and when he had asked the violet-haired girl if anyone had apologized for her brother's death during dinner, she had furiously nodded her head no, and then abruptly left. She hadn't come back since. There were also no reports of murder as Matou Shinji's ashes were placed in an urn. The funeral was small. Only Shirō, Arturia, Fujimura-sensei, and Sakura with her grandfather came. Ilya was also at the funeral, silent and subdued as she stood in between Shirō and Arturia. Tohsaka and Mitsudori also arrived just before the funeral began, stating that _"they were only doing this to keep up appearances." _Shirō shook his head.

Although Mitsudori tried to deny it, she had cared for Shinji in her own way. She had been the captain of the archery club, and had tried to take Shinji under her wing until he had told her to back off and that he was better than everyone else. Shirō observed Sakura's grandfather for a moment. He had never seen Matou Zouken in person before, and was surprised of the dark aura the old man had. Although Shirō was an incompetent magus, he did know that mages of perceptional power often had an aura around them. His adopted father seemed to have a light aura, not one marred by darkness or blood, although Shirō did not something…off about him. Sakura seemed tense around Matou Zouken. Her presence was as far as possible from the old man leaning on a cane, and she flinched slightly when he spoke to her. His pale skin was stretched thinly across his face, and Shirō heard him chuckling slightly during the funeral. _Who would laugh at a funeral? _Shirō thought incredulously. _Especially his grandson's! _Shirō observed Sakura further in the duration of the funeral, but her manner remained the same.

She didn't cry. Not once.

As Shirō stood in front of Shinji's newly made grave, he thought about the life Shinji must have led. Although he had been an enemy, and someone that Shirō eventually grew to dislike, Shinji had been important to him at one time in his life. Beside his grave were the graves of his parents. Shinji never mentioned them, expect in passing. _"My sniveling father and my weak mother are the only legacy I have." _That had caused another rift between the two. For although Shirō had no memory of his own parents, he still believed that there should be a deep respect and reverence for one's parents. Although a mix of sadness and anger burned in Shirō's throat, he found himself unable to cry. _It's always like this, _Shirō thought dully as it began to rain. _I'm never able to cry, no matter how much grief pours into me. _One of the remarks she had made when he had first met her was that she was surprised that he had yet to cry. _That's right, since that day…_

Soft hands were immediately grasped into his own. Shirō looked from the grave to see Arturia's hands in his larger ones. An expression of understanding echoed across her beautiful face, and a wordless thought of _"I am here for you"_ surfaced as Shirō stared at the young woman that had fallen in love with him. None of them seemed concerned that the rain was falling down heavily now, or that the others had left the graveyard hours ago. Ilya had gone back to the house with Fujimura-_sensei_. It seemed that only they mattered in that moment. Shirō turned towards Arturia, the love he had for her almost engulfing him as he stroked her face with his fingers.

"Arturia…" he murmured. Her emerald eyes bored into his own, and like last time, closed when they shared a tender kiss in the rain. Soothing the pain he could not express, away.

* * *

It was raining. Matou Sakura stood as the rain fell from the sky, watching the droplets echo against the ground. It was a moment like this that she remembered. _I used to love the rain, _the teenage girl thought. _He taught me not to be afraid… _She remembered his tender words that he had shared with her child self. His hand, soft and gentle against her own much smaller one as he taught her not to be afraid of the rain. _"Sakura-_chan, _do you know why it rains?" _His voice often didn't register her thoughts. Her grandfather and later _oniisan _would tell her to forget the life that she had, especially _him_. The unspoken name was a stain upon the Matou family. In the wake of her _oniisan_'s death, however, the violet haired teen thought about the person that had saved her sanity.

"Sakura!"

The violet haired girl turned to find Tohsaka-_sempai _panting and her hands on her knees as she stood in front of the younger girl. They both were now in the park, far away from the cemetery and her grandfather. The old man had grumbled about the failure of his grandson, and had shakily walked away with his cane despite Sakura's protests to help him. His words echoed in her mind. It hadn't been the first coarse words he had told her, nor would they be the last. Sakura shifted her feet, her eyes shyly meeting Tohsaka-_sempai_. The older girl was wearing her uniform with her dark red jacket. A jewel matching of the same color rested against her chest.

"I'm sorry, Sakura." Her voice was quiet, unlike the confident and reserved tone that Sakura came to know during the months that she had stayed at _Semapi_'s house. Sakura smiled slightly at the thought of the older boy that meant so much more to her than he actually knew. In the beginning when Arturia-_san _had come from England, Sakura was afraid that she was not needed anymore. That _Sempai_ didn't have to anymore because there was another person in his life that eased his loneliness. However, Sakura was happy for the amber-eyed young man. He truly seemed to smile now that Arturia was in his life, for more than Sakura had seen him in the year that she had known him. _But… _she thought, her expression turning somber, _I…_

"It's okay, Tohsaka-_sempai_. I'm certain that wherever _oniisan_ is –"

"I'm not here about Shinji." More quietly she stated, "I'm here to say I'm sorry about everything."

_Everything? _Sakura's expression turned into confusion. There was unmistakable guilt in the brunette's blue eyes, the same eyes that she once had before… Suddenly her expression froze and her eyes widened.

"Oh." Her voice was barely above a whisper. _Oh… _Sakura continued to think as he body started to tremble. Her thoughts ravaged with memories; dark memories, agonized memories. She saw the faces, sneering and distant as their expressions burned into her mind.

"I'm sorry I couldn't save you, Sakura." Tohsaka-_sempai_'s face was mournful, and she moved slowly as she talked to the trembling girl. "I wish I could have, but…"

"Please." _Don't. _Sakura told herself as her mind screamed at her to not say anything. The words wanting to come out of her mouth almost choked her as the young woman she once knew as her older sister stopped at her quiet voice. "_Sawaranaide kudasai. _Please…don't touch me." For a moment silence passed. The only sound was the breathing that they had. Then suddenly the violet-haired student stared as Tohsaka-_sempai _spoke.

"I know you probably don't know about Shinji's death, but I wanted to tell you –"

"I know that Shinji died in the Fifth Holy Grail War." Tohsaka-_sempai _appeared stunned. For once, she couldn't say anything as she stared at the calm female in front of her. She had stopped shaking.

"H-how…?" The blue eyes blazed in bewilderment and shock. "How could you have known?" Then she became angry. "If that bastard Shinji forced you to do something, then – "

"Shinji's dead now, Tohsaka-_sempai_." Sakura's voice was quiet, but there was something in her eyes that had not been there before. "You can't do anything to people when they're already dead."

Tohsaka's mind did not notice that Sakura had stopped calling Shinji _oniisan_. Her mind was in vain trying to come to terms with this new Sakura in front of her. The shy and kind girl she once knew appeared to be empty, and there was sorrow in her. More than that though, there was an air of resentment…or despair.

"I was the original Master of Rider." Sakura noted with quiet amusement of how Tohsaka-_sempai _again appeared too shocked for words. Her hands, which had been slightly raised until now, fell to her sides. "When the Fifth Holy Grail War came, Rider suddenly appeared." For a moment she paused, remembering her own shock when she came home from _Sempai_'s house and finding a Heroic Spirit in her room. _"Master, I am here to bend at your will." _Sakura remembered still of the Command Seals on her hand. "I was forced to give up the Command Seals to Shinji shortly after." Her violet eyes met blue. "I…did not want to fight you or _Sempai_."

"But then…" Tohsaka-_sempai _whispered, her voice almost nonsexist as she grappled with this new information. "Why did you not want to fight?" she suddenly yelled. Sakura did not flinch. Genuine confusion marred the older girl's expression. "You could have had anything you wanted, Sakura."

"What I wanted has already come to pass, Tohsaka-_sempai_. It can't be reached again no matter how much I want it to." The girl lifted her face towards her former sister and her eyes became somber. "Unlike you, who fought for nothing but pride."

The girl suddenly smiled. "Don't look so shocked, Tohsaka-_sempai_," she told the shocked girl. "I still remember when you and I were children, and you said that all you wanted was to make your father proud."

"_Our _father." At the sound of those words, Sakura sighed and her eyes darkened.

"Perhaps," she whispered. She looked down at her feet for a moment, remembering when the world seemed so big. Her dark hair and blue eyes had illuminated in innocence, her hands pulled along by _oneesama _and _him_. How the world was different. "Perhaps you see him as your father, but I…cannot. I will not." Sakura swallowed the emotions that were building in her throat. "He sold me, Tohsaka-_sempai_."

"He did it for the good of the family!" At those words, Sakura turned sharply towards Tohsaka with undisguised rage.

"That's what he told you, isn't it?" Tohsaka swallowed. Sakura's voice was ice-cold, and she slightly backed away from the girl's demeanor. "For the good of the family," she repeated as a strange calmness overtook her. She stared at the girl in red. "That good caused me so much pain. So much…and I was only a child. The brunette hair and blue eyes that you now have faded away, replaced by what you now see." She took a deep breath. "All from the poison inside of me."

"Why is it that you call Shinji by his name, and not _oniisan_? I thought you loved your brother,"

"_Iie_." The soft reply didn't hide the negative feelings. "I hated him. He was the one that tormented me for ten long suffering years." A faint smile echoed across her mouth. "I still hear his voice in my head, telling me I was such a stupid weak little girl. I am grateful he is dead." For a moment she paused. "I cannot call him _oniisan_, just as I cannot call you _oneesan_ because of what happened in the Fourth Holy Grail War." Her eyes wandered over to Tohsaka, who was had now paled. "When…I came to Homurahara Academy, I thought perhaps everything would pass by, and…maybe you would see me. But you didn't acknowledge me. You didn't even know of my existence until you started to know _Sempai_." Tears were rolling down her face as sadness, not resentment or rage, as she whispered. "You didn't even see me as kin until this moment."

"I…" Tohsaka's face looked stricken. Her blue eyes wavered slightly, and her hands trembled. "That's not true!" she stated she started to move her hands. "I saved you when Caster kidnapped you, and told you I was sorry to your unconscious face! Who was the one that took care of you during your rest?" Tohsaka's eyes shut in pain. "You have no idea what I've been through!" Sakura didn't move as Tohsaka started to scream. A brief memory filtered through her mind. _Darkness…nothing but pain and darkness…then, warmth. Warmth and something soft. A kiss…a kiss on the forehead. Who was it? Who was it that held her so dearly, as her long-ago mother had when she had been a child? Who…? _ "Do you know what it was like to be helpless as you couldn't save someone that you desperately cared about? I tried to save you, Sakura." Her voice reached a pleading note. "I did. I tried to save you multiple times, but –"

"I know you're lying, Tohsaka-_sempai_." Somehow the suffix attached to her name didn't soothe the brunette. "You thought of me yes, but those thoughts became fewer as they years went by. You told yourself that your father was right…that I needed to go away for the good of the family." Tears were running down Sakura's cheeks, but that did not stop from the almost emotionless words from seeping out of her mouth.

"You're right," Tohsaka whispered as the voice that did not sound like her own echoed in the atmosphere. "You're right. I was afraid. I wanted to desperately believe that my father was right in what he did, and so I made a delusion that I thought was the truth." Her eyes would not meet Sakura's. "But still…!" She closed her eyes shut. "You don't know what it was like for me! I was in pain too, Sakura. How could I caring for a brain-damaged mother when I was only a child? I couldn't…do anything."

"I know you couldn't." Tohsaka looked up at the girl, finding a familiar kindness in her eyes. "I sympathize with you despite all that has happened." _Kariya-ojisan… _"I know what it is like to be helpless, to be in pain. I loved our mother despite of my hatred of my father and Shinji and Zouken." A pause. "I loved her, even though I know that she too gave me to the demons that haunt my dreams." She quietly whispered, "And then there was Kariya-_ojisan_…the one person who was my beacon in the darkness."

"Matou Kariya?" Sakura stared in shock at the hard expression and of the hatred in her eyes as she spat out that name. "He was the one that killed our mother, Sakura." Suddenly her expression turned dark and started to scream. "He was the one that put her into a wheelchair, the one that made her half-dead! He's the reason she's dead now!"

"No…" The violet-haired mage murmured. Flashes of Kariya-_ojisan _entered her mind. His promises to save her. His hugs, his words of comfort. _"Then…how about we visit Rin-chan and Aoi-san?" _She saw his white hair, scarred face…saw him falling into the insect's embrace… "No," she whispered. "Kariya-_ojisan _would never do that. He wouldn't. He promised…"

"He lied to you, Sakura!" Tohsaka continued to yell. "Kotomine told me! Of how he almost choked our mother to death and killed our father!" Tears were now trailing down her cheeks. "Our beautiful mother, kind and sweet, almost killed by a mage in the Fourth Holy Grail War!" Suddenly Tohsaka reached and cupped Sakura's face, pulling her face so close that she could see the eyelashes of the girl's eyes. "He killed her, and he _failed _to save you!" Blazing blue eyes met Sakura's dull own. "He failed to save you, and he killed the only member of our fractured family that you loved!"

Shuddered gasps escaped from Tohsaka as she breathed. She wasn't aware of Sakura trembling, or of the girl's broken eyes that appeared during her childhood. It was only when Sakura began to openly weep that Tohsaka became aware of the surroundings again. As she tried to call out for her, though, the former sister ran away, the rain cold against her face as sobs tore through her. _I…thought I wasn't angry for the longest time. I…was only afraid, and didn't think. _Sakura wasn't aware of where she was going. Her tears, cold and painful, blinded her. _I didn't think…because I was so afraid. And…when I thought about what had happened…I could only think of Kariya-_ojisan_, the one person that genuinely loved me. I thought about him, about how he tried to save me, and that eased the pain so much. _

_But… _she thought as she almost slipped on the sidewalk. _Deep down, inside me, I was angry. I was angry at Tokiomi, I was angry at Zouken and Shinji…and angry at _Rin _for abandoning me. I didn't think I would react like this… I thought, or I hoped, that I would be able to simply wail and cry over what had happened since the Fourth Holy Grail War, one day…but Shinji's death caused so much damage. So much…anger and sorrow…and hate that I had locked down deep inside me…that I realized when Shinji died. _A violent sob escaped from her as she continued to run.

_It all came pouring out…like the rain. I couldn't control it. And I said things that I wouldn't have said if I had been sane. Kariya-ojisan…_ Now Sakura stumbled and fell on the grass, hurting her body as she collapsed onto the ground. The pain didn't register through her mind as she thought dully of the man that had been her light. _I thought…that you were beyond such…that imprisoned me. I thought you were as I thought you were…and good and kind, everything else that was not in my world. And now…I heard that you killed my mother. _

_Why? _Tears flowed more freely, and whimpers escaped from her as she thought of the one person that had meant so much in her life…until… _Why did you kill Mother, Kariya-ojisan? Why?_

Deeper still, a memory formed. _His hand, almost withering away and weak as he tried to hold her own. His face, pale as snow and the eyes not even looking at her. _"Let's go," _he rasped to her. He was telling her it was alright, that she was safe now. Sakura stood still as she watched him collapse, his body falling down the steps as his dead eyes stared into nothingness. The insets swarmed around him, devouring him as his pale hand was only thing she could see as it too disappeared. Sakura's empty violet eyes stared at the space. _"Fool," _the child whispered. _"That's what happens to those who disobey Grandfather."

_I didn't take his hand. _Sakura thought as thick tears continued down her cheeks. _I didn't take his hand…and I let him fall. _Her teeth bit into her lips, blood leaking from the wound as she desperately tried to not scream. _I let him die. _

She let out a mournful howl.


	6. My Only Happiness

_My Only Happiness _

_"Sempai?" _

Sakura momentarily ceased her weeping to find a blanket over her shoulders. Even though she couldn't see the auburn-haired mage, Sakura could always tell when he was nearby.

"Sakura." Simply saying her name cause a torrent of emotions to almost overcome the teenage girl, and she was shocked and stumbled slightly when she found Emiya-_sempai _holding her up, her back against his chest. Sakura gulped, grateful that it was nighttime so that _sempai _didn't see the blush against her cheeks. "Let's go inside, Sakura."

Sakura turned to find Emiya-_sempai _looking at her with his amber eyes dark with worry. Bewilderment coursed across her features.

"What do you mean, _sempai_?" Her violet eyes widened slightly at his deepening frown. "And…how did you get here?" Her swollen eyes looked up at him, searching. "I'm nowhere near your – Oh." Somehow the scrap on Sakura's knee seemed to throb. Her violet eyes widened at the sight of where she was. The house was very familiar to her. Sakura saw the shed that she had found Emiya-_sempai _the day he had apparently met Arturia-_san_, and of the trees that were in the yard with sparse fields of grass. For a brief moment, Sakura found herself thinking about the past.

_It was summer now, the leaves green and full as the moon shone overhead. Sakura was holding a cup of tea in her hands, smelling the warm fragrance as her violet eyes looked at the night sky. It was beautiful. It had been many years since Sakura had looked at the sky. The girl slightly jumped when she saw Emiya-san wearing a kimono. It was dark blue and seemed to suit him more Somehow Sakura found herself blushing in his presence when he quietly sat down next to her. She made certain not to look at the sling in his arm. "Look at the fireflies, Sakura."_ _Sakura heard a gasp coming from her mouth as she stared at the bright lights coming from the fireflies as the glowed._

_ "Beautiful, aren't they?" Sakura found herself looking into Emiya-san's eyes, surprised at the gentleness in them. His voice was barely above a whisper._

_ "Hai." Sakura forced to not make her voice tremble. "They are, Emiya-san."_

_ "Emiya-san makes me sound old, Sakura." There was a teasing tone in his voice that made Sakura's heart jump. "You can just call me Shirou, my given name."_

_ Shirou… Sakura blushed at the thought. "That's…too informal," she exclaimed, not even being able to look at the young man. "We've only just met," she whispered, somewhat bashful now as she realized that she had yelled. This time she looked his face, seeing of how dark his hair looked in the dark. "I'm sorry I yelled." Tears were starting to swell in her eyes._

_ "How about Emiya-sempai?" Sakura immediately stared at the young man, who appeared to be waiting for her answer. He didn't seem angry though. He seemed…patient and kind as he looked her face._

_ "Hai." Sakura was aware of the warm tears trailing down her cheeks. "Hai…" she repeated as an emotions overwhelmed her. "I would like that very much. Emiya-sempai."_

On that day, he didn't attempt to comfort her as he saw her cry. Just as now. Somehow Sakura had run all the way from the bench away from Rin to Emiya-_sempai_'s house, where she had fallen and sobbed until the auburn-haired mage had found her. _Even blind, my heart wanted to be where I was happy, _Sakura thought as Emiya-_sempai _led her inside the warm house. The rain dripped on the floor, and she paid no attention to the blanket over her shoulders. Her dulling violet eyes drifted to the room, seeing the clean floors and her reflection. Sakura heard the door to the dojo open, and saw Emiya-_sempai _coming with another blanket with Arturia-_san _slightly behind. The young woman's eyes slightly concealed more emotions than _sempai_'s, but Sakura could still see worry in her face.

"Sakura, what happened?" Emiya-_sempai _was beside her now. Sakura looked away from his concerned expression. When she didn't respond, Sakura could hear the growing fear in his voice as he called her name.

"Is it about Rin?" Arturia-_san _spoke. Her voice was calm and collected as she stared at the younger girl who started to shake at the mention of Rin's name. For a moment, Sakura forgot all else in the room. She could only think about the words that she and her former sister had exchanged. Sakura bit her lip again, but that did not stop the tears from rolling down her face or her hands curling into white fists as choked sobs started to escape from her.

"What…?" Sakura could imagine the shock and worry on Emiya-_sempai_'s face as he saw the distraught girl shedding tears. "Sakura…what…?"

His voice stopped at the sound of Arturia-_san _soothing him with a quiet word. For a moment neither of them spoke. Then Sakura turned towards them, tears pouring down her face as she almost inaudibly spoke.

"I know Tohsaka-_sempai _more than you think I do, _sempai_. She was my _oneesan_."

Shock was conveyed in Emiya-_sempai'_s expression. Arturia-_san _had a saddened expression on her face, but did not look away.

"What do you mean, Sakura?" There was confusion and an unknown emotion in Emiya-_sempai_'s voice as he spoke. "I…don't understand."

Sad violet eyes looked up at him as she spoke. "Tohsaka Rin was my biological sister, _sempai_." The auburn-haired mage's eyes widened impossibly wide, and he couldn't even speak as Sakura tonelessly continued. "I was a part of the Tohsaka family until I was six years old."

"Why?" His voice rasped and shook.

"The magic in the Matou family had been dying for generations," Sakura whispered as pain clogged in her throat. _Why is it so difficult to talk about now? _Sakura thought as another emotional spasm of pain shook her being. _Is it because of Emiya-sempai…? _"Eventually magic eventually died completely in the bloodline, and my father approached….Zouken for a proposition." Sakura ground her teeth as tears ran into her mouth. "I was adopted into their family sometime after."

"Why would they do something like that?" Emiya-_sempai _was pale, and his voice sounded as if he was near tears. "Your family loved you Sakura, so I don't –"

"Mine didn't." Sakura's voice barely echoed in the room. Her violet eyes were dark with sorrow, and the breaths that came from her were irregular and spoke of grief. "My mother…was the only one that truly cared for me, and I didn't even know she died." Her voice shook. "Tohsaka Tokiomi, my father, thought of me as dispensable. He said that his wife's womb was too fertile." It hurt to say those words. Sakura took a deep breath. "Do you know why there is usually one heir in mages families, Emiya-_sempai_?" There was no response. "It's so that there isn't competition among them. My father said that he didn't want me," she whispered.

"That's bullshit!" Sakura hid her face away as_ sempai_ started to yell as he pounded his fist into the floor. "That's no excuse for abandoning a child!" Then suddenly his anger faded, and Sakura found his eyes on hers, sorrow in his gaze. "I'm so sorry, Sakura. I…" his voice faded as tears started to appear in her eyes.

"I…talked to Rin. We fought." Her voice trembled. "She…doesn't understand. She doesn't understand what I went through, _sempai_." Sobs escaped from her. "She stated that…Kariya-_ojisan _was the one that caused our mother to be brain damaged and later die. I don't want to believe that," Sakura whispered as she blindly continued to sob. "I don't want to believe that the only one that tried to save me was the one that killed my mother!"

As she began to sob as the cries came out violently from her chest, Sakura suddenly felt a warm blanket wrapped around her. Her swollen eyes opened to find Arturia-_san _staring at her with an unreadable expression as Emiya-_sempai _attempted to dry away her ceaseless tears.

"Matou Kariya was a Master in the Fourth Holy Grail War," she explained to the shaken auburn-haired mage as she softly wrapped the blanket around Sakura. "He wanted the Grail, but not for himself. It was for Sakura, who had been recently adopted into the Matou family and tortured. Her violet hair and violet eyes are a symbol of that." Emiya-_sempai _nodded slowly, his face only a mask of grief as Arturia-_san _continued to speak. "He wanted to free her from the Matou family…but he died in the war."

"How do you know all this?" Emiya-_sempai _asked.

"I was your adopted father's Servant, Shirō." A look passed between them. "Emiya Kiritsugu wanted to know everything about an opponent before going into battle."

"I let him die," Sakura rasped. "I didn't know…that he was truly trying to save me that time. I thought…it was my grandfather's way of showing that no one could disobey him." She closed her eyes from the memories that were threatening to come undone. "I watched him fall," she whispered. "I still remember his dead face as he was _eaten _in front my eyes." Tears fell onto the floor. "Zouken…later told me that Kariya-_ojisan _died trying to save me, despite his body physically fading away. He _laughed_ at me, telling me I was such a stupid naïve girl."

Sakura's stunned violet eyes widened as Emiya-_sempai _suddenly held her in his arms and embraced her. Her wet face was against his neck.

"Emiya…_sempai_?"

"No one can hurt you anymore, Sakura." The words were whispered, the voice firm and determined. Hearing that voice reminded Sakura of that day. "I promise, no one will hurt you again."

_"Sempai?" _Sakura asked quietly.

"Hmm?" Emiya-_sempai _observed her as she gently lifted her face from his shoulder.

"Do you remember when we first met?"

_"Shinji!" An unknown boy with auburn hair and amber eyes was yelling at her brother. Sakura could only watch with wide eyes as Shinji stood, smirking. "Leave Sakura alone!"_

_ "Are you so convinced of your ability to _save _people that you come in and interfere with family matters, Emiya?" The taller young man smirked. _

_ "Shut up, Shinji." Sakura noticed with unease that the young man was shaking as he pointed a finger at her brother. "I heard of how you've been bullying Sakura." Sakura's eyes widened. "I don't care if you're my friend, this needs to stop."_

_ "I think you're wrong, Emiya." Sakura flinched and unconsciously attempted to make herself smaller. "Sakura simply can't defend herself. Besides, she's a useless girl. Who would ever care about her?" Sakura lowered her head, seeing the truth of his words as she remembered the numerous times her grandfather had berated her._

_ "Bastard…" the auburn-haired student appeared to be angry. _Why…is he angry? _Sakura thought in confusion. _I'm just – _"Sakura is worth more than you. She's an actual kind and good person!" Sakura audibly gasped at his words, and stumbled as her eyes widened impossibly wide. She jumped, and stared at the hand that now appeared over her own. _

_ "Come on, Sakura. You can come with me." Before Sakura could reply, Shinji suddenly took ahold of his arm and started to pull, his face enraged._

_ "How _dare _you interfere, Emiya!" _

_ "If you hadn't treated her this way, Shinji, then I wouldn't have to!"_

_ "S-stop," Sakura pleaded. They didn't seem to hear her as Shinji continued to pull on the young man's arm. "Stop!" she pleaded._

_ Suddenly there was a crack, and Sakura watched in horror as Shinji gasped and the other young man collapsed onto the ground, screaming. _

_ "Emiya-san!" she called. He continued to scream as she crouched down in front of him. "Emiya-san!"_

_ "Shit," Shinji stated under his breath. Then he turned, and Sakura found with fear that his expression was enraged. "This all your fault, Sakura!" As tears trailed down Sakura's face, she suddenly felt a hand on her cheek._

_ "It's okay, Sakura," Emiya-san whispered as he winced in pain. "I'm okay. We just…need to find a hospital now." _

"Of course I remember." Emiya-_sempai's _face became solemn for a moment. "Shinji broke my arm, and we told everyone else that it was an accident. That's when you started coming over to my house."

"I…have to tell you something, Emiya-_sempai._" Although he looked confused, he nodded to her. Sakura gulped. "It's just that…since the day we met, you were first person that ever cared about me…since Kariya-_ojisan_. You actually acknowledged me as a human being, and you were kind to me." Tears flowed freely from her eyes, and Sakura smiled. "I…want to thank you for that. You made me happy. So very happy that I could forget what happened in my past. And…" Sakura took a deep breath and swallowed. "It was when you were sleeping in the hospital that day you saved me that I realized that you reminded me of…Kariya-_ojisan_." Tears flowed onto the floor more at the mention of the man that Sakura once had seen as her savior. "You were my only happiness, Emiya-_sempai_, and you saved me."

"What do you mean, I saved you?" Emiya-_sempai _whispered. His voice was becoming more inaudible by the minute.

"Shinji did not only physically and emotionally abuse me, Emiya-_sempai_." Sakura was calm. "He raped me." Both Arturia-_san_'s and Emiya-_sempai_'s faces paled as horror filled their eyes. "It was…one time, but Zouken laughed and said it was good for practice."

"Sakura…" His voice was almost pleading.

"It happened a couple of months ago before you come to confront Shinji, and…I was considering suicide when you came and found me." Sakura smiled, remembering the multiple times Emiya-_sempai _had taught her how to cook. "You made me see that there was more to the world than what I had. The good…in this world, and that there was something worth living for. And…I have to tell you something else."

_Sempai _nodded, his hand reaching for Arturia-_san_'s. Tears started flow from Sakura's cheeks anew at the loving gesture. _I…cannot have you, can I? And yet, I need to say these words…_

_ "Anata o daisuki desu." _

It was the first time that Sakura had said this to him, and she found herself saddened and not with joy as Emiya-_sempai _stood stunned.

"I know your heart belongs to Arturia-_san_, _sempai_, but I thought…you at least deserved to know this." Sakura looked away, not able to bear to see his gaze.

"Sakura –"

"It's okay," she breathed. A guilty smile appeared on her face. "May I…sleep here for tonight, Emiya-_sempai_?"

As Sakura lay in the futon, she could only think about what had happened that night, and of Kariya-ojisan. Why was she thinking of him? Why did he continue to be in her thoughts? Seeing his face before the war, kind and gentle as he patted her head as he crouched down to her height with laughter in his eyes as he spoke to her. A memory.

"_Do you know why it rains, Sakura-chan?"_

_The child's blue eyes looked up at the smiling dark-haired man and shook her head._

"_It rains because all the sadness is washed away when it comes."_

"_What's sadness?" Sakura asked. Kariya-san appeared to think, his eyes not on the child across from him._

"_Sadness is when…you feel like you have a pain in your heart that doesn't go away." Sakura looked at Kariya-san, her blue eyes widening at the sight of the quiet man, not smiling. _

"_Like when I feel when Father doesn't see me?" The dark-haired man frowned at the sight of the uncharacteristic sad child. Kariya cupped her tiny face in his hands._

"_Your father does love you, Sakura-chan. He just…can't express it well." The explanation seemed to appease the five year old before she frowned again. _

"_He always spends his time with Rin, though…"_

"_Is that you telling me that you don't want to spend time with me?" Kariya-san teased, his smile appearing on his face again at the sight of the child's shocked face._

"_No, I like you!" Suddenly the child climbed up on his lap and buried her face into his chest. "I like you more than him…" Kariya-san stroked her hair, comforting her just as he did when she was very small. "Will you be my rain, Kariya-san?"_

"_What?" Sakura giggled at the adult's confused expression._

"_Will you be my rain, Kariya-san? Will you take my sadness away whenever I'm sad?"_

_Kariya-san seemed to understand suddenly. A soft smile appeared on his face, and he ruffled the girl's hair._

"_Of course I will, Sakura-chan…"_

Sakura could hear his voice as if he hadn't left. As if he hadn't died. She could hear Rin's voice in her mind again as she thought of the man that killed her mother. _"He lied to you, Sakura!" _

_Ah… _Sakura thought. _You're right…he lied to me…more than…he thought he did._

"_Will you be my rain, Kariya-san?"_ _  
_


	7. Truth

_ Truth_

Shirō could only hear the sound of his own breathing when he heard Sakura close the door behind her. His focus was not on the fact that he was clutching his hands so hard that they were white, or on Arturia, whose emerald eyes were darkened in sorrow. It was on what he had just heard before Sakura requested she could rest.

_"Anata o daisuki." _

She had loved him. Sakura had loved him all this time, and yet he didn't know it until this moment. It hurt to breathe as he thought of this. _"You were my only happiness," _she had whispered. How could he not know? Sakura had always come to his house with a smile on his face that he presumed that she wore during school or to her family. She always followed him wherever he went, did whatever what was asked of her or not, and talked with him. Always quietly. Why didn't he see this sooner? The fact that she was with him so much was because she loved him? Shirō swallowed, the saliva thick on his palate as he thought of the violet haired girl that meant so much to him. _But I do not love you. Not that way. _He glanced at Arturia, seeing the sympathy in her eyes as he continued to hold her hand. _I'm sorry…Sakura._

_ "Gomen nasai, _Sakura." He whispered this as if she could hear him. Shirō sighed from deep in his chest, feeling the anger and sorrow building up in his lungs. _I was the only one that was kind to her…the only one that treated her as a human being. She said, that I saved her. _Any sympathy Shirō had for Shinji was nonexistent. _How could you, Shinji? _Shirō thought as anger seeped through him at the thought of Sakura weak and helpless and _crying_ as Shinji raped her. _How could you do something as _vile _and _disgusting _as that? You didn't just emotionally and physically abuse her, but you… _"I should have done something." The voice that spoke did not belong to him. It was devoid of emotion and toneless. Broken. "I should…have killed him that day."

"No, Shirō." Arturia's calm voice invaded his mind shocked with sorrow and agony. Her voice was quiet and he could hear sadness as well, but she was firm. "His death wouldn't have changed anything. If you had killed him that day, you would have changed. Too much for you not to not recognize yourself."

Shirō blinked, remembering of how he had felt undisguised loathing and detested Kotomine Kirei. _Now I feel the same towards my only friend I had, _he thought bitterly. _I…thought I knew him, but it turns out he was even more than a monster than _he _was. And what's more, he abused Sakura since they were children._

"I could have done something," Shirō said as his heart ached in emptiness. "And Sakura…if I had known sooner what had happened to her, she would have been spared…" his voice died in his throat.

Arturia shook her head. "Shirō, there is nothing you can do now." Her grip in his hand was gentle, and her warm emerald eyes bored into Shirō's dull amber. "Sakura is a very brave person for what she endured, but _you _couldn't have done anything to help her then."

"I am no hero," the young man whispered hoarsely. He closed his eyes in attempt to blind the guilt and self-disgust in his head, but he could only see a small boy that failed in his dream. "Ever since Kiritsugu saved me from the fire, all I wanted was to be someone's hero. Like he did for me." A strangled noise escaped from his throat. "But I'm just weak…and a coward."

"Shirō." The young man couldn't look at the former Heroic Spirit. "Shirō. Look at me." Using the palms of her hands, Arturia gently turned her love's face towards her own. His eyes were bright, and his face was pale. "Did you hear what Sakura told you? She said you were her only happiness," the former king told him. "She said that you _saved _her." A loving smile appeared on her face. "Shirō, you _are _a hero. Did I not say that you were my scabbard?" Shirō's eyes widened. _Of course I remember. That was when… _

_Shirō could feel Saber's smile as they held each other. Gilgamesh had been defeated. He would come back, no doubt, but at this moment, Shirō could only focus on how Saber's arms felt. They felt warm and gentle, and her hand, although coated in blood, seemed to be exactly where it should be. On his back, holding him. It did not matter that blood coated their clothes, or that his breath was labored and his eyesight dimmed. All that mattered was Saber. Hearing the words that were whispered in his ear. As Shirō felt himself falling into unconsciousness as the woman he loved held him, knew that he would die happy if he could die seeing her face for the last time. _

"Shirō." Hearing his name against his lips caused the young man to jolt of the memory. His eyes softened suddenly at the sight of Arturia. _Since the day school started, Arturia has gradually changed, _Shirō thought. Saber wouldn't have shown as much emotion as Arturia had in the past week that she had been a student. Arturia would gradually smile more, especially around Shirō, and although respect and chivalry was still maintained in the former king, there was something _more _about her. Something that Shirō thought that perhaps this is what Arturia had been like before she had been king.

And that is what made Shirō fall in love with her all over again.

"You saved her from certain death, and she loves you as a brother and more," Arturia continued. "Saving someone, not only their life, is what a hero is." Tenderly, she stroked his hair as he looked into her eyes. "You are Sakura's hero, Shirō."

Shirō swallowed. Sakura's words whispered into his ears. She hadn't sounded as if she hated him, nor was she the reason for her agonized tears. Sakura had compared him to her beloved Kariya-_ojisan_, the only one that tried to save her. _"Anata o daisuki." She truly loves me even though she knows my heart belongs to someone else, doesn't she? _Shirō eased his breath out of his lips, calmer now as he thought. _Sakura is a very brave person…braver than I could ever hope to be and I promise…to never allow someone to hurt her ever again. _He opened his mouth to speak to the person that made him see reason, but before that could happen, there was a loud sound by the window.

"Tohsaka?"

It had ceased raining about an hour ago, but Shirō could see that the formal clothes that Tohsaka wore were still damp and clinging to her skin. Her formerly fine and combed brunette hair was slick against her forehead, and the female mage stumbled into the dojo. However, what caused alarm in Shirō's mind was of the state of Tohsaka's eyes. The formerly intense and clear blue eyes were bloodshot and swollen, almost as if the rain had injured her eyes…or if she had been crying.

"Tohsaka? What's wrong?" The brunette didn't reply. The formerly collected young mage sat down simply, not meeting his eyes. Her face looked cold and weary.

"Where is Sakura?" she rasped. She bowed her head, as if she was afraid what her former allies would see. "Where is she?" she echoed, her eyes dark with desperation.

"Sakura is asleep." It was Arturia that spoke. "As you should be, Rin." Hearing her given name did not calm Tohsaka, Shirō noted. In fact, it seemed to put her in more distress.

"I can't sleep," she whispered. Her voice rasped and was almost inaudible. "After what I stated to her." For a moment she paused. "Do you know?"

"That you are siblings?" Shirō said. "Yes. We…know about Matou Kariya as well."

The name appeared to distress Tohsaka, as her lips became a thin line and whatever blood she had drained from her face. Shirō gasped inwardly as he watched thick pearls of tears leak down Tohsaka's cheeks.

"I told her that Matou Kariya killed our mother," she whispered. Her hands shook. "I told her that he was the reason why she became brain damaged and later died not even two years later. He also…killed our father," she added and didn't flinch when she saw Shirō's narrowed eyes at the mention of her father. "Kotomine Kirei told me. As soon as she left, running away from me, I started to think." Tohsaka visibly swallowed, and tears continued to coat her face. "Even though there are no scars in evidence of the event, it does not neglect the fact that Kotomine Kirei tried to kill me." There was a heavy pause. "I am…wondering now if all that he told me were all lies and deceit." A brief ironic smile graced her face. "He was very good at that."

"Tohsaka," Shirō stated cautiously as the teenager wiped her face. "Why…didn't you try to save Sakura?"

"I wanted to believe in what our father told us," Tohsaka breathlessly told him as emptiness appeared in our eyes. "I…wanted to believe that he was right, that he sent Sakura away for the good of the family." She laughed hollowly. "I disillusioned myself into thinking that Sakura didn't even exist, and at the same time, thinking that she was better off in the Matou family. But even if I knew that she was in pain…I don't know if I would have saved her."

Shirō felt anger rise inside him again, but he swallowed it. Tohsaka was crying in front of him, the girl who he had never seen cry in the years he had known her. _Still…the pain that Sakura went through. And her father… _

"Sakura stated that Matou Kariya was the only one who tried to save her, and you're saying that Kotomine Kirei told you that he was the ultimate reason for your mother's death," Shirō stated. "I find it hard to believe that such a man as Kariya-_san _would injure your mother enough to cause her to be brain damaged." The young man slowly inched away at the sight of Tohsaka's flamed blue orbs.

"People change during the Holy Grail War, Emiya," she hissed. "Look at Shinji. He was willing to kill all his classmates to win the Holy Grail when before he was an arrogant and spineless coward."

The auburn-haired mage felt words stuck in his throat. Should he tell Tohsaka what he knew? That Shinji did not change at all, but was showing his actual true self? Tohsaka's eyes were wide with rage but hurt too. However, Shirō didn't have to speak.

"Sakura was raped by the Master of Rider, Rin." Arturia's emerald eyes bored into Tohsaka's growing horror-filled ones. "He did not change because of the Holy Grail."

"Arturia!" Shirō hissed.

"She needs to know, Shirō." Arturia stated to him. Sympathy was in her gaze. "In order to know the truth."

"That's…" Tohsaka held her hand over her mouth, her expression gravely white and her eyes impossibly wide. "That's…" She licked her lips, breathing heavily. "That's…"

"I'm sorry," Arturia stated softly, "but I thought you deserved to know this."

For a moment Tohsaka didn't speak. Then she took a shuddering breath and swallowed.

"Did you know that Sakura was actually a Master?" she uttered softly. "She was the Master of Rider, but she didn't want to fight us." Tears were welling in her eyes as Shirō openly gaped and Arturia slowly nodded her head. For a moment after that, there was silence. Then Tohsaka stood.

"There must be a way to find out the truth," she murmured. "Kotomine Kirei was a precise person. He must have kept journals somewhere." She glanced at Shirō and then at Arturia. "We should go. The church is closing soon."

Although she had left no room for argument, Arturia had stated that she was going to stay. _"I should stay here and watch over Sakura-_san_," _she stated before Tohsaka and Shirō left. As both the young mages walked beside each other in the night, Shirō thought about what he had learned about Sakura and the Matou family. _…I too am grateful now that Shinji is dead, _he thought. _He caused Sakura so much pain, and the grandfather is a person I do not want to have a conversation with…for he was the one that started all of this. _Shirō gritted his teeth. _He _laughed _when Shinji stated that he raped her. What kind of man does that?_

"Emiya, I presume you know nothing about the history of the mages families?" Tohsaka asked.

"No, I don't. Should I?" At Shirō's question, Tohsaka sighed.

"In mages families, there is usually one heir to the family to inherit the title and blood of magic." The words echoed in the sky. "The oldest heir is almost always chosen over the others, if there are any." Shirō nodded, having heard this before. "The males in the family are usually left alone, fated to stay in the dark. My grandfather's younger brother was that way," she added quietly. "Females are usually adopted into another lesser-known family, which of whom they will marry into."

Shirō forced his voice to remain calm as he registered of what Tohsaka was telling him. _Sakura…was going to marry Shinji…?_

"Why do you mages do the most ridiculous things?" he stated as he gritted his teeth. "So what if they are more children? They all learn how to be mages all together." The scathing look Tohsaka gave him caused him to quieten.

"It is _because _of the dangers of that that mage families train only one heir. What would happen if one sibling decided that he or she was better than the heir?" Her intense blue stare froze Shirō. "Slaughter. And if that isn't enough, they could learn magic on their own, and threaten the bloodline." A pensive look came on her face. "My father…was a mage first and a father second."

"It still wasn't right!" Shirō shouted.

"Of course it wasn't Emiya!" The coldness in Tohsaka's tone almost stopped Shirō's breath. "Do you have any idea of how perceptive a child could be?" she asked more calmly. "I could see that our father favored me over…my younger sister. Ever since I could remember, he would teach me our magic, sometimes for hours. He was kind to me," Tohsaka stopped and whispered at the moon. "I loved him, Emiya. He was my father."

"I'm not trying to say he was not, Tohsaka," Shirō gently whispered.

"No, you're judging him. As you should," Tohsaka whispered. "My father might have loved me, but...I am aware he could have killed me without a second thought if he had to choose." A shuddering and violent breath escaped from her as tears looked like silver in the moonlight. "I know that he had no love for Sakura. She spent all her time with Matou Kariya when I was with our father because he didn't even see her. I…liked him too." Her voice was even quieter now, barely above a whisper. "I liked him, because he was open and gentle, unlike our father, and brought me gifts. That love faded because I was told that he did." Tears collided against the ground. "Our father didn't even see Sakura when he was born. He didn't even name her."

"How do you know this is true?" Shirō asked.

Tohsaka gave Shirō a watery smirk. "Kotomine Kirei didn't like anyone. He used to slander my father every time we talked." At the memory, Tohsaka laughed mirthlessly. "That was one of the reasons why I disliked him so much."

"Who named Sakura then?"

"Who do think?" This time Shirō didn't have to look at her face to know that Tohsaka was crying. "Matou Kariya. _"'She's as beautiful as the flower, isn't she, Aoi-san?'" _That's what he said, anyway."

Shirō and Tohsaka were now in Kotomine Kirei's former office. The new church director – and mage – had allowed them to search, for he had not made an adequate clean-up yet. Now in Tohsaka's hands were a box full of journals, which documented the first day of the Fourth Holy Grail War until the day of his death. Both Shirō and Tohsaka were through the fourth out of the fifteen journal when suddenly, Tohsaka gasped and her face turned deathly pale.

"Tohsaka?" Shirō whispered. The young mage was shaking, the journal in her hands almost dropping onto the floor as she couldn't speak. Shirō grasped her shoulder. She didn't respond. "Tohsaka!"

"No…" she breathed, finally able to speak. "No…" Tears streamed from her eyes, and her mouth was covered by her hands. "No...No…no, no, no!" The book collapsed out of her hands as Tohsaka gave out a strangled scream. "Please…it's not…please…" A sob violently escaped from her throat. "Please…it's…"

Wordlessly, Shirō picked up the journal and began to read.

_April 7, 1994_

_ I killed Tohsaka Tokiomi today. I didn't expect it to be that easy. The knife going through his flesh, seeing his ridiculous face scream in pain and astonishment, and the red blood dripping onto the floor. I never thought I would feel this way before. How good it felt when I heard his body fall onto the ground. His dead eyes staring at me, as if in shock. The fool. Did he think he was safe through our so-called alliance? He should know better. He was the one that gave his daughter to the Matou family. Disgusting family._

_ Matou Kariya is the unfortunate victim in this. I can feel his hatred now even as I write of this event. He hates Tohsaka Tokiomi with every fiber of his being. But would that weakling be able to kill that man? No, his feelings are weak. He is too kind for that. He is too kind for magic. Matou Kariya only fought in the Fourth Holy Grail War in order to free that pathetic girl. What a fool. I manipulated him to coming here as I set Tokiomi's corpse in one of the pews. Still thinking he could kill the man. The horror on his face upon see the truth was priceless. It made me laugh. What a spineless coward you are, Matou Kariya. And yet, how interesting you are. I forged a message to Aoi as well. Telling her that Tokiomi was waiting for her. She is a woman who allows her husband to control her thoughts. Pathetic. She believes her husband can do know wrong, and is in the right. How I hate…those kind of woman. She came, and of Matou Kariya pleaded with her to understand. How he pleaded with her with his broken and frail face, dying even as he spoke. How could she think that he could have possibly harmed her dear Tokiomi? But she did, all according to my plan. _

_The desperation on his face and the sounds of gasps and almost-cries from his mouth soothed me. The screams of her, saying that he took Sakura from her and killed Tohsaka Tokiomi, almost killed him. Poor Matou Kariya. A very interesting character, for he has always sacrificed for others and not himself. His deplorable father, Matou Zouken, wanted him to be the heir to the Matou family, as he was the only son that could use his magic. Falling in love with Aoi, the pathetic man refused, sacrificing his love for Aoi in order to not let her be corrupted by Zouken, and allowed his family to rot. She does not know the whole story. I wonder what would have happened if she did? I watched in fascination as the woman screamed that Matou Kariya never loved anyone. That was when he snapped. _

_How I loved it when I heard him above her, choking her, his sanity gone. And when he was done…his eyes widened and he screamed. How I am loving the sound of screams. He continued to scream and scream until he could only cry. How beautiful. Matou Kariya, broken from the sacrifice he has made. Tears as beautiful as the moon. His sanity, destroyed until nothing was left, withering away since the day he underwent the training to replace that pathetic child. Those worms are vile. They take away your mind and intelligence. Your thought. Until nothing remains but instinct and eventually destruction. This was all my doing. I seem to enjoy people in pain, in agony, and despair. Matou Kariya. Tohsaka Tokiomi. Aoi. All have fulfilled their purpose in this game of mine._

Shirō set down the journal with trembling hands as his breath stopped. _What did I just read? _He thought. _What did I just find? Kotomine Kirei… _Shirō took a deep breath and closed his eyes. His mind was slowly gathering the pieces of information that he had just read.

"I thought for ten years that Matou Kariya killed my parents," Tohsaka whispered as angry tears streamed down her face. "Now I find that he was a victim, just as I was. Kotomine Kirei…I _hate _him." She squeezed her eyes shut. "And my mother…even though I know she believed in the words of my father…it still hurts." Tohsaka angrily blinked her eyes and stared at Shirō. "He must be laughing at me know, knowing what a fool I was." Suddenly, she turned and bolted out of the room.

"Tohsaka!" Shirō shouted. Silence. "Tohsaka!" he shouted more desperately as he left the room.

"Rin!"

But she wouldn't answer him, only running further and further away.

* * *

This is going to be the last update for about a while. I want to focus on my other stories, and I'm not quite sure how much I will have to do for school in the coming weeks. Please be patient! Thank you to all of you that have reviewed, favorited, an followed.


	8. Ever Present Feelings

_Ever Present Feelings_

Tohsaka Rin continued to run. Something deeper than sadness, something deeper than rage gathered in her chest, making her gasp for breath. The darkness of the night sky seemed to have no light. The powerful teenage mage couldn't see anything. Swollen tears flowed down her cheeks, and she tasted them. _Bitter, _she thought as a scream clogged her throat. _Like me. _She had thought for many years that the man known as Matou Kariya had killed her proud father. Rin's blue eyes opened now as she stood panting as her memories of her father came to her. _I thought…that all this time… _Her kind and gentle mother, who had died when she was the tender age of ten, had been killed by Matou Kariya as well. _"How he hated your family, Rin." _

Kotomine Kirei's detestable voice echoed through her mind as she remembered the day he had told her truths that came to known as lies. Rin's mother had died, leaving the empty girl with a cold man who she knew didn't particularly care for her. Even so, she listened to him speak. _"He hated your mother especially, and _grinned _as he choked her. How he laughed." _A mild look of disgust framed his face then. _"He was the real reason your mother died, Rin. Not you." _He had lied to her as the vulnerable girl that she had been, and had lied to her still even as she became the elite mage fighting in the Fifth Holy Grail War. _He deceived me…like the fool I was. _Self-disgust tore through her, marring the rage aimed at Kotomine Kirei.

_I said those scarring words to Sakura…made her weep and relive her worst feelings…under the guise that what I said was the truth. _Rin gritted her teeth. _I thought what I said would make her see that the man she loved…was not who she thought he was. I was wrong. _It hurt to know the truth, but even more so than that, the teen mage was shocked by Kotomine Kirei's portrayal of her mother. Her kind and gentle mother, with her warm voice and smiles, _blamed _Matou Kariya for taking her youngest daughter away from her. Now as Rin thought as her feet echoed across the pavement, she realized that _both _of her parents were wrong. Her father thought of nothing for Sakura. She didn't exist to him.

Her mother…although loved both of her children, was weak. As Kotomine Kirei described. Rin swallowed hard. Her kind mother had been everything to her. She had been the light in the child's life up until the aftermath of the Fourth Holy Grail War. Then, she had ceased to be her mother anymore. She had ceased to be anything but human. However, Rin noted of how her mother loved her father too much. _Blinded, _Rin thought as sorrow overcame her. _She loved him too much to think he could do no wrong. And Matou Kariya… _

The man she had hated for the past ten years had been blamed for the reason why Sakura was adopted into the Matou family. Her mother had screamed at dying mage, telling him that it was _he _that took Sakura away from her. Rin could only think about what had happened. Her mind didn't seem to register the fact that she entered her house without locking the door, and collapsing on her bed without her nightgown. Her dark hair framed her face as her mind was bombarded with thoughts and feelings about her fractured family. _Everything…I thought up until now…was a lie._

Sakura was still as her unmoving figure lied upon her bed. Upon waking early in the morning, she had asked quietly if she could return to the Matou residence. _"I need to go back," _she had whispered, unable to meet the gazes of _sempai _and Arturia-_san _as they were in the kitchen cooking breakfast. Only sempai appeared disturbed, but the young man didn't say a word as Arturia-_san _nodded and told her to be careful. Sakura's thoughts denigrated as she walked further and further from the closest place she considered to be her home. _I…told him that I loved him. _Against her will, Sakura felt tears welling in her eyes again. _And I told him about my past. _Sakura took a deep breath as she entered the Matou residence, her solemn eyes noting of how Matou Zouken was absent from the house. Even if she ceased to be a mage, Sakura could still note if the old man was near or not. _I know him too well. _Sakura had been unable to still her thoughts about the old man's younger son, Matou Kariya. _Why…did you kill Mother? _Hot tears spilled from her eyes as she thought of the man that had meant so much to her. _Why…does this have to be true? I…wanted to see you again for so a long time, and now I'm not sure if I can bear the sight of you. _

"Sakura!" The violet-haired girl's thoughts broke at the sound of the familiar voice. "Sakura!" _It sounds as if she wants to come in, _she thought as she shakily stood. _After all that has been said between us…should I allow her to come in? _An unbidden memory surfaced of _him _smiling as she tackled him with her small body, his laughter overcoming hers. _He would want me to. _Sakura opened the door. She didn't know what she expected to find. Perhaps the hatred was still inside her, and something inside her smiled when she saw the broken face of Tohsaka Rin? Sakura didn't expect to find the older student calm and her eyes clear, asking if she could step inside.

"Sakura, you were right all along." The words were stated immediately after Tohsaka Rin entered the center of the room. Sakura heard the words, but they ceased to have any meaning until she heard them repeated inside her head.

"W-what?" Shock jolted through her body, and for a moment her breath was stuck in her throat. She could see the older girl sigh and suddenly take her hands in her own. Sakura visibly flinched.

"I was wrong," Rin stated solemnly. Her blue eyes were dark with remorse and grief. "The words…I stated to you were false." She tightly closed her eyes. "I…read Kotomine Kirei's journal with Emiya, and found out that he lied to me." Her lips were white as she pursed her lips. "He lied to me…about everything. Matou Kariya…didn't kill our mother or our father, Sakura." Sakura's violet eyes widened, and she attempted to back away, but Rin held firm. Pools of sadness echoed in her eyes. "I'm sorry, Sakura. Kotomine Kirei deceived everyone, including me. _He _was the one that killed our father. _He _was the one that manipulated Matou Kariya into choking our mother and causing her to be brain dead."

"How do I know this is true?" Sakura whispered. Anger inflamed her former stunned face as the memories of the night before assaulted her. "How do I know you're not lying to me?" she screamed.

"I'm not lying to you, otherwise I wouldn't be crying, would I?" Sakura audibly gasped at the sight of Rin's tears. They flowed freely, without restraint, form her eyes. "Matou Kariya…was as you thought him as, Sakura. He was…you hero." A sigh came deep from her chest. "I know this is sudden to you, but I want to say that I'm sorry, Sakura. I lied to you."

_This… _As Sakura continued to see Rin cry as she held her hands in hers, Sakura felt her heartbeat against her chest. The blood rushed in her ears. The screams of last night echoed in her mind, seeing the rage of the young woman before her. The face of Matou Kariya, his eyes open and dead, resurfaced as she felt Rin squeezed her hands. "What do you mean…that he was manipulated?" she whispered. Her voice seemed far away.

"The worms caused him to lose his mind," Rin stated. Sakura inwardly shivered at the mention of the beloved worms of Matou Zouken. She had screamed for two days when he had left in in that hole, and worms were the only reality that she knew. "They didn't just affect his physical body; Matou Kariya became easy to manipulate, and Kotomine Kirei staged it so that all would go to his plan." A sharp breath escaped from her as pain marred her expression. "He made it so that it looked like Matou Kariya had killed our father, and our mother…blamed him for his death. Matou Kariya did choke our mother, but he didn't smile and laugh as what Kotomine Kirei told me. He screamed. He screamed like a man who had lost the woman that he loved."

_Kairya-ojisan didn't… _It didn't surprise Sakura that Kariya-_ojisan_ had loved her mother. Even as a child, Sakura had seen of how he interacted with the same gentleness and love towards her mother. Sometimes Sakura wished that Kariya-_ojisan _was her father. She could easily imagine it, with her mother smiling and laughing by her side as her father lifted a baby with dark hair and dark eyes in his arms. All were whole. None were dead. No one was broken. Sakura sometimes caught herself imagining Kariya-_ojisan _watching her as she grew up, with her dark brown hair and blue eyes, as she entered elementary school and junior high school, and smiling with tears in his eyes as introduced him to her fiancé Emiya Shirō. But that was only an illusion. An illusion that could never be as soon as Sakura had heard Shinji had died, and when she saw the pure love _sempai_ had for Arturia-_san_.

Kariya-_ojisan _had saved her from the darkness. Even at the abuse of Zouken. Even when Shinji raped her and mocked her. He was the only reality she held onto before the night she met _sempai_. And now…knowing that he was true as Sakura thought him as caused tears, letting go of the sorrow and despair she once had, out.

Sakura allowed herself a smile even as tears were running down her face. She had listened as Rin told her that their mother had blamed Kariya-_ojisan _for taking her away, seeing the disappointment in her eyes.

"It is okay…Rin." Rin looked at her in bewilderment. "I still love Mother even if she blamed Kariya-_ojisan _for what happened to me. You've always been stronger than her, I think. Determined to forge your own path, and not submitting to anyone. Mother and I…are more alike than you think, and that is probably why I feel no hatred towards her. The other is that…she still loved me despite of what happened to me." Sakura swallowed, her expression becoming somber as she thought. "She remembered me…when almost everyone forgot about my existence."

Suddenly, Sakura felt Rin's arms around her, holding her tight like when they were children again. Her wet face was felt against Sakura's as she whispered in her neck.

"I know…that I have not been there for you for the last ten years, but do you think…we can try again? There's room in my house, and I –" Sakura pressed her finger against Rin's lips silently. A knowing look appeared in her eyes as she inwardly heard the words that Rin was desperately trying to say. A smile was the only answer that Rin needed. The older girl started to comb her fingers through Sakura's hair, a gentle gesture that reminded Sakura of their childhood.

For a moment, they simply stood, comfortable in each other's presence for the first time in over ten years. As Sakura waved Rin a goodbye, she didn't have to see the smile to know it was there. Sakura fingered the ribbon in her hair. Rin had made it for her when she was four years old, and she remembered the pride on her face when she showed the child the pink ribbon. After thirteen years, the ribbon was still there. Still there, almost in perfect condition, because inwardly, Sakura knew that deep inside her…she loved her older sister still.

As Sakura stared into the room that she had lived in for the past ten years, she thought about the change that had suddenly come. She had accepted to living with Rin, knowing her again as they sought to repair the wounds of the past wounds. Matou Zouken didn't care for her since she was no use to him. He wouldn't care what she did. It didn't matter anymore. Sakura knew that the bond between she and her older sister would never be the same as when they were children. Too much agony and despair had happened for that to happen. _Even so… _Sakura didn't say a word as she opened a drawer by the window. The picture seemed to be heavier than it used to be, and the teenage girl was not ashamed to cry as she stared at the picture of Matou Kariya.

His dark hair had not turned white, and his eyes did not contain the agony within. He was smiling. He was wearing a light green kimono and sandals as he stood with a peaceful look on his face. The dust that had gathered over the years disappeared as Sakura continued to cry. _"I remember holding you when you were born, Sakura-chan. You were so small then, and so cute. With the most beautiful blue eyes and only a soft tuft of dark hair. Your hands were small even as you grabbed my smallest one." _He had laughed at the sight of the three year old who was listening to his every word. She felt his gentle hands as he ran his fingers through her hair, minding of the ribbon that her _oneesama _had given her. _"You were beautiful and precious as a cherry blossom, but I would know." She felt his teasing finger against her small nose. "After all...I was the one that named you, Sakura-chan." _

It began to rain again. It pelted against the house. Sakura stopped crying and listened to the rain. It somehow sounded like someone she knew, soothing her until her sadness washed away. _"Will you be my rain, Kariya-ojisan?" _A soft smile played against Sakura's face as she remembered the words that she had asked of the man. For some reason, the sadness and emptiness inside her had stopped.

Tenderly, Sakura caressed photo with her fingers. "Thank you…" she whispered. "Thank you…for everything…"

"Thank you…Kariya-_otōsan_."


	9. Like Siblings

_Like Siblings_

"I'm grateful that Tohsaka and Sakura were able to be siblings again," Shirӧ stated to himself as the wind silently whispered as the leaves blew. "I've never seen Sakura so happy before." The auburn-haired mage thought about the change that had occurred over the past month between Tohsaka and the violet-haired girl. It had not been easy to heal the wounds over what had happened a decade past, and there were still times when Sakura would stare at something only she could see when she thought that no one was looking, and Shirӧ could hear the whispered comforting Arturia gave to Tohsaka despite being very late at night. The legacy of the Fourth Holy Grail War was still embedded in their minds, and it took time for Sakura and Tohsaka to speak to each other with dark pools of guilt in their eyes.

Eventually Sakura began spending time with Tohsaka, so much so that by the beginning of the next month Shirӧ found himself in the only company of Arturia and occasionally Ilya. The former participants in the Fifth Holy Grail would often talk until late at night, or simply soak in each other's presence until it was time to say good night. It now seemed that Sakura was at ease around the four of them during the times that she and her _oneesan _would have dinner with them. Shirӧ heard her laugh, a sound that he hadn't heard from her before. It sounded similar to a bird's song, and beautiful in the sky. "I even was able to convince Sakura to call me by my name, not just simply _sempai_." When he had told her this during her departure, Shirӧ had seen the shock on her face that melted into joy. He remembered holding her as she cried, noting of how her tears were no longer from sadness. _"Arigatou gozaimasu…Shirӧ." _

"I am grateful I did not have to meet Sakura's father," Shirӧ whispered to himself as his stomach clenched. "He was a terrible father."

"I have a terrible father too, Shirӧ!" The auburn-haired mage felt Ilya's small hands encircle around him. Her giggling entered his ears, but Shirӧ was not aware of her smiles and laughter. The words coming from her echoed in his mind.

"Ilya…what do you mean?" The child looked at him curiously. "What do you mean that you had a terrible father?" Shirӧ's bewildered expression increased as Ilya continued to giggle. She suddenly climbed onto his lap.

"You really _are_ adorable, Shirӧ." Her bright smile reminded him of a time when she had kidnapped him, and had tied him up. "You're silly too. How can you not know him?" Her bright red eyes bored into his own, shining. "You see him every day, and clean the picture."

Shirӧ's breath collapsed when he realized what Ilya had meant. _The picture… _His wide amber eyes flashed as he remembered of how Ilya had looked at the lone framed photo of Emiya Kiritsugu with strange anger on her face before it disappeared. It had happened so quickly Shirӧ had thought he had imagined it. He cleaned the picture of his adoptive father every month so that dust and grime would not gather against the glass. Shirӧ had done this since his adoptive father had died, and now there were times when Arturia helped him with the task, a small smile on Fujimura-sensei's face. _Emiya Kiritsugu…is… _Shirӧ's mind remained blank even as Ilya was staring at the expression on his face in bewilderment. _How could…he be her father? _Then Shirӧ inwardly gasped at the memory of Ilya smiling at him. _"I've waited ten years for this, Shirӧ." _The auburn-haired mage took a deep breath.

"How old you are, Ilya?" He couldn't meet her gaze.

"I'm nineteen." Shirӧ visibly blanched as Ilya continued. "That's why when you and Saber were going to start school, I wanted to go too." Her expression fell. "I never experienced school before. Shirӧ, what's wrong?" she whispered as the young man looked down at his hands.

"I…don't understand, Ilya." Thick mucus was building up in Shirӧ's mouth as he spoke, desperately trying to disperse the panic that was suddenly building inside of him. "How could my father…be your father as well? And…how are you not the physical age that you are?" His voice fell into a whisper at the thought of his kind father, the one who had… Shirӧ's eyes painfully shut, remembering of how one day they had watched the fireworks over the city, and of the smile on his face as he taught Shirӧ kanji.

"I'm a homunculus, Shirӧ." The auburn-haired mage was stunned by the smile on Ilya's face as she continued to speak. "We don't age, not like humans do. That's why that's how I am." Then her smile thinned. "I'm not actually a full homunculus, though. I'm half human. My mother was able to give birth to me. I still remember of how happy she was."

A jolt shook through Shirӧ. "You mean…that you're clones?"

Ilya nodded, a giggle escaping from her at the expression he used. Shirӧ stared at her, uncertain how to comprehend the fact that Ilya was smiling and laughing as she told him about the homunculi. "I have my mother's memories and of our creator's memories too, Shirӧ." Suddenly he head bowed. "Even still….I don't understand why." Before Shirӧ could open his mouth, she continued to speak quietly. "Why Kiritsugu left me. Why…he never came to say goodbye."

"Ilya…" Shirӧ murmured.

"I know that he raised you after the Fourth Holy Grail War," she stated morosely. "From the way you wash his picture, Kiritsugu raised you as a son." Red eyes met amber, and Shirӧ gulped at the sudden anger in Ilya's eyes. "I…hated him so much. He left me for you, an orphan boy when he still had family left. I hated that he left me when I needed him. After all," Ilya stated with a bright smile, "I knew him before you did, Shirӧ!"

"How is he your father though?" Shirӧ stated thinly at the thought of Ilya in the white castle, alone and lonely. _How could he…? _"I don't understand of how that could be. He told me he had no family left!" Shirӧ gasped when he realized what he had said. "Ilya, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it that way."

"Kiritsugu was a free-lancer and under the Einzbern family when my mother was born," Ilya stated solemnly, suddenly appearing her age that she was supposed to be. "He didn't think of her as very much, seeing her as useless. Then he saved her when she was thrown outside into the wilderness to test her durability." Shirӧ listened with rapt attention as Ilya continued to speak of the relationship her mother and Emiya Kiritsugu had, eventually blossoming into an ill-fated love. His mind was still numb over the fact of the first words his adoptive father had described to his future wife. _"Useless…has no durability…" _The words that Saber had spoken to him about his adoptive father were true. It still hurt Shirӧ to hear this, and his eyes stared sadly at Ilya, emptiness filling him.

"The only one who cared for me was Berserker," Ilya whispered. Shirӧ stared at Ilya in shock. "He saved me when I thought that the wolves would kill me." Recognizing the young man's horrified gaze, Ilya gave a soft smile and explained. "I was forced to go into the forest and make it make to the castle so that I could fight in the Fifth Holy Grail War. There was no Kiritsugu this time. …There was only Berserker." Sadness misted her red eyes. "He was my protector." Shirӧ attempted to embrace her, but Ilya pulled away.

"I hated you for such a long time, Shirӧ." Her bright red eyes echoed against his own. There was no anger. "I hated you for taking Kiritsugu away, for making him forget about me. That's why I wanted to kill you." Silence prevailed them for a moment. "Having Kiritsugu dead meant nothing to me. I wanted to kill my younger brother for taking Kiritsugu away." Suddenly Ilya cupped Shirӧ's face in her small hands. "When I did meet you though, Shirӧ…I thought you were nice. Your forgiver me when I killed Archer. You…made this place seem so warm and safe, like it was before." Uncharacteristic tears began streak from her eyes. "I suddenly didn't care that my father abandoned me, and that he left me for you. I didn't care that I didn't win the Holy Grail." She buried his face into his chest. "I only wanted to be with you…as long I have time left."

"W-what?" Shirӧ whispered.

"I will die in a year, Shirӧ." The auburn-haired mage felt as if his heart had stopped at the smile on Ilya's face. "Because of how I was born, Kiritsugu and my mother knew I wouldn't live for very long. Even compared to the other homunculi." Shirӧ's face paled as Ilya continued to calmly state the words without a hint of sadness or fear. "I knew this would happen, Shirӧ. Now…I just want to live we you until I…"

"No." The forcefulness of his tone surprised Shirӧ. His breathing was gradually becoming uneasy as he stared at Ilya. _My sister… _"No, you're going to live, Ilya. We'll go to Germany and find out a way to stop this."

"No!" Shirӧ felt her embrace his chest even more and felt her tears soaking his clothes as desperation clouded her voice. "No, I don't _want _to go there! It's cold and lonely…and you're not there, Shirӧ!" Her swollen red eyes pressed against his cheek. "Please…I want to stay with you." Ilya's growing despair as Shirӧ remained unresponsive to her cries echoed in his ears as she held onto him. "There's nothing you can do about me dying, Shirӧ…so please…" she cried, "I want to stay _home _until the day I die."

Shirӧ felt himself stroking Ilya's hair. As his mind remained thoughtless as Ilya's hands held his, Shirӧ became aware of how empty he felt. _Ilya…is going to die. Ilya… _As foolish as it sounded, the young man had thought that Ilya would be with him as long as he lived. Like Arturia. _I…could have lost her…and Ilya… _He thought about what Tohsaka had taught him about the magecraft Emiya Kiritsugu and his family had practiced. _"The Emiya bloodline sought to stop time, in simple terms. To stop time…is futile, or otherwise impossible. The research in itself is promising, but it would take hundreds of years to complete." _A pensive look had appeared on her face. _"I wonder what stopped the practice. Either way, you wouldn't be considered his true heir because you're only adopted and not his blood." He must have…wanted to save her, _Shirӧ thought as Ilya calmed in his arms. _He must have tried…_I _would have. _Shirӧ swallowed heavily. _If this is true then…can I truly…?_

"Ilya, for the Holy Grail, what did you wish?" Shirӧwatched as Ilya began to smile at his question and laughed.

"I would wish that I would die, Shirӧ." The auburn-haired mage almost choked at the smile on Ilya's face. Peaceful, as if she didn't wish for that which she spoke of. "I would be with my parents again, and…I don't deserve to live, because I failed in the Fifth Holy Grail War."

"But Ilya," Shirӧ protested, "Everyone deserves to live. How can you wish to die?" He swallowed thickly, ignoring the strange stare that Ilya was giving him. "How can you wish –"

"Isn't that how you feel, Shirӧ?" Ilya's red eyes echoed against his amber. "You never smile…and you think that everyone's life is more worthy than your own. Even a cat's life would be worth more." She giggled. "You were never happy since the Fourth Holy Grail War." Shirӧ couldn't think. He couldn't breathe. A soundless scream suddenly wanted to tear from him as Ilya continued to speak. "You…always want to help people because only then did you feel that you had a right to live. It was only when Saber appeared that you were able to be happy. You smiled because you were _happy_, not only because of simple pleasure." Shirӧ felt his heart beat uselessly inside of him. He felt his blood still. "You don't really want to be a hero. You just use it as an illusion to hide that in your heart, you truly want to die." She pulled his hair. "Right?"

"Ilya…" Shirӧ stated tonelessly. "Please…leave." His voice trembled. _"I'm going to be a Hero of Justice!" a young Shirӧ shouted as the classroom erupted in laughter. "I'll be a hero that saves everyone!" An older Shirӧ stayed at school, washing the boards with a warm washcloth. The young boy in his early teens heaved a sigh. "No one's here…not one." His arms ached, and his stomach growled at the thought of hunger. "I have to do this though." Shirӧ pushed Saber aside from Berserker's weapon, seeing the shock in her eyes as he felt blinding agony surging through his body until he blacked out. "I thought you out of all people would understand, Shirō." He heard his broken voice as Sakura's words whispered in his mind. _

His voice cracked. "Please…Ilya…I need to be alone." Soundlessly Ilya appeared to notice Shirō's cracking emotional stability, and she left him where he was still.

His face was pale as he remembered memories upon memories. He thought about the moment of truth when he had acknowledged the fact the _true _reason why he wanted to follow in his adoptive father's footsteps. To believe that by living for others he could….believe himself to be worthy of life. An illusion that hid the fact that he wanted to die for living when he shouldn't have. _Those people…all those people… _Their burning, melted faces burned into his mind. Their screams always followed him. The tears flowing from their eyes. Two pairs of eyes, wide and pleading, burning into his own as he watched them burn. The amber eyes…the red hair… All echoing in his mind as the house burned and collapsed as they died. A coward child, running away.

"_Okaa…san…" _A strange emotion overcame him then. Something more than grief, something more than anger and emptiness. _"Otou…san…" _His lungs burned. His breathing became shallow. Shirō clutched his head in his hands, feeling something inside him crack and break. His eyes widened, unseen pools of emptiness.

For the first time in ten years, Emiya Shirō cried.


	10. The Unworthy

_The Unworthy_

"Shirō?"

Arturia eased her ears onto the shoji screen leading to Shirō's room. She heard nothing but silence. _Something happened when Ilya talked with him, _Arturia thought. The young homunculus had simply stated that something was wrong with Shirō when she found Arturia and Rin in the entrance to the house. Four hours the three had waited in tense silence as Shirō didn't reappear. Rin had wanted to talk to him, but the former king thought the idea foolish. _Her idea of talking is criticizing, and I do not believe Shirō is of need of that right now. _Instead they turned their attention to Ilya, who strangely became subdued during their conversation with her. It was during that time that Arturia realized that she had behaved dishonorably to the daughter of Irisveil. How could she not have noted sooner?

The young homunculus had the same silver hair and red eyes of the woman that Arturia had seen as someone close to a friend. Although Irisveil had wanted to bridge the gap between them as servant and mistress, Arturia knew that she could not. She had apologized to Ilya for her behavior towards her. _"I wonder why anyone would give a name to such a disrespectful child." _Ilya had simply smiled and stated that she was silly. Arturia noted of how she had giggled then, and had affectionately touched her hair. Her thoughts had been too deep to be annoyed or shocked by Ilya's gesture of affection, for the blonde young woman remembered her former mistress mentioning a daughter that she and Kiritsugu loved. She had not been mentioned by name, or had the then Heroic Spirit met the child. The familiar guilt had surged through her veins, and Arturia was about to apologize once again when Ilya told them that she was to be deceased in one year.

Rin nodded solemnly as Arturia took in the information with regret. Ilya appeared to note the sadness written on her face, for the homunculus exclaimed that she was happy that she would spend her entire life with Shirō by her side. Arturia had briefly thought that perhaps the auburn-haired mage had secluded himself from the knowledge that Ilya would die, but the emerald-eyed young woman overturned that possibility as hours passed. _Ilya…what you tell Shirō? _

His name on her lips came unanswered. Arturia opened the door to find it swallowed by darkness. An immediate memory came into her mind. _The pure darkness in the room did nothing to soothe her broken heart. She felt her heartbeat against her chest again, and the faint breath coming from her lips. She was human again. She had felt her heartbeat once as a Servant, but it felt different. The former king could almost hear the blood coursing through her veins and feel the anger as it had been when she was alive. Saber, as she had been known, hadn't thought she would become this angry with Shirō. He had taken away from her what she had vowed what would never be taken from her ever again. He had…taken away her greatest wish. To still the violence of her people to become the king that they deserved. Her former Master had taken that away from her, and she was not willing to forgive him for his grievous mistake. _

Arturia had forgiven Shirō. He had held her as she cried, and soothed her fears when she was afraid of them herself. In her life, Arturia had not let anyone in as much as Shirō. He knew of her past from his dreams, and she knew his. A cold feeling entrapped the former king when she realized of what was likely causing Shirō this much distress. _The fire…!_

She found him sitting motionless in the room with his eyes staring sightless at the plain wall before him. Arturia turned on the lamp, along the light to seep into the room and crouched down beside him. Shock and alarm surged through her as she witnessed thick tears rolling down Shirō's face. His face was pale as snow, and his lips were cracked with dried blood from biting his lips. His hands were hanging limply by his sides, and Arturia hesitantly placed his in her own. He didn't respond.

"Shirō, answer me." Arturia held her breath as she stared into Shirō's eyes. The once beautiful eyes that held every emotion and held her very heart hollowed. They were empty. During her time as king, Arturia had seen many of her subjects lose their very selves from the sights they had seen. Although Kiritsugu had implied that she believed that war was glorious and honorable, Arturia knew different. Despite her efforts, many of her subjects had died in war, spilling blood with wounds so fatal not even her trusted mentor Merlin could do nothing. They always spoke of gratefulness to King Arthur, vowing their only regret was they could no longer serve their king. However, there were others who came back and fell into despair and aguish, tears clouding their vision and emptiness remaining where their hearts had been.

Arturia had done the best she had could for her people, but those with haunted eyes had died and those who had loved her eventually hated her and wished for a new king. "Shirō…" she whispered, her fears returning when she witnessed more tears trailing down the young man's cheeks. _Why…is this causing me so much pain? _Arturia thought as she felt a sharp pain enter her heart as she continued to stare at Shirō's empty expression.

"I…am no hero." The voice sounded as if it had been asleep for a thousand years. Arturia's emerald eyes observed Shirō's empty face. The paleness and devastation burned into her mind. "I…have never been a hero."

"Tell me, Shirō." The young man didn't respond. "Please," Arturia whispered, hoping that he could not hear the growing desperation in her voice.

"I…" the single word faltered. Arturia could seeing the haunted look in Shirō's eyes become more pronounced. "Ilya told me that I wasn't a hero…that I simply used that as an excuse to lie to myself." A shuddering breath escaped from him.

Arturia closed her eyes and prepared herself for what was to come. She had…known of Shirō's belief of saving others before himself. Of living for others and sacrificing himself for the happiness of other people. Arturia knew what the young man across from her felt, for she was the same way. She and Shirō were reflections of each other. _But…_

"I should have died that day." Arturia's stunned gaze turned to where Shirō was sitting. There were no tears. His voice appeared calm, but Arturia could hear the faint subtleness of his voice that he was broken. "I…believed that the only way to atone for what I had done…was to help others. If…I helped them and made them smile…then it would mean that I…was worthy to live." His hands clenched, and a shuddering sound escaped from him. "If I lived for others and made them happy…"

"Shirō, what caused this?" His eyes widened impossibly wide, and she could hear his breathing becoming erratic. "Shirō…was it the fire? Or was it something that happened because of the fire?" Although she loved him, the king that had fought for her kingdom urged her to set aside her weak heart and ask questions that shouldn't be asked.

She heard his breathing become more frantic and his eyes widening. Arturia attempted to squeeze his hand, but Shirō desperately pulled away. His shuddering breaths and uncanny eyes and the thick tears that spilled onto the floor caused Arturia to become alarmed. _He's going to…_

She held his chin in her hands and forced him to look into her eyes. Arturia felt Shirō's breathing slowing and his movements dull. Her eyes wouldn't leave his. The firmness and understanding within the green depths caused Arturia to note of the sudden change in Shirō. His body immediately stilled and Arturia caught him as he suddenly collapsed into her chest. His sudden movement caused her to collide with the floor, leaving Shirō's head across her chest and their legs intertwined. For a moment neither of them spoke.

"I let them die." Shirō's voice didn't hold any emotion. Even the emptiness was gone. "I let my parents die." Softly, Arturia turned her eyes towards the auburn-haired mage so that he could look into her eyes. "My mother…and father died." She listened to his monotone voice. "I was…seven years old when the Fourth Holy Grail War ended and the fire spread. I remember that I was playing with my parents. They were…chasing me around the house. It was…the last time I ever truly laughed." Arturia saw the growing despair surrounding Shirō. However, she knew that she could not hold his hand. "The fire…it had just started spreading. I was the first one to notice it. My father…didn't know why I suddenly stopped laughing. Why the smile suddenly disappeared on my face. Then the screams reached our ears. We didn't know what to do. The house that we lived in was small. The fire…destroyed everything. I remember the smoking building and the fire consuming everything."

Tears were streaming down his cheeks. "I…was the only one that lived that day. Everyone….had died. I had only reached the door when a beam suddenly crashed and separated me from my mother and father. I…still remember their faces. Pleading for me, their son, to save them. The fire was so red. It was burning across their backs, and their screams…I remember their screams. I can hear them calling for me even now." A deep shuddering breath tore from Shirō, almost coming out as a sob. "I…didn't see them die. Or maybe I did. All I know was that I tried to reach them. I _tried. _The flames were too hot and I was…scared. I couldn't do anything but hear them scream. I could see the fire burning their clothes and their skin beginning to melt and burn… I jumped away before the house entirely collapsed. I was…ashamed…but I was relieved to hear the only sound of the fire burning. And then…I walked. I walked as people died before my eyes, pleading and reaching for me. I could do nothing."

_"Nothing." _Arturia felt Shirō bury his face deeper into her chest. "I…didn't save them. I didn't want to save anyone. Not even…" Desperate sobs tore from him. "I wanted to save myself when all of those people had more reasons to live than I did. I…_killed _them." Arturia felt tears grow in her eyes at the sound of the young mage sounding so desperate. "When…when I thought I was going to die, I felt nothing. I just…wanted it to end. I thought that I deserved to be dead after what I had done. I had no right to live. Which…is why I felt pity for my adopted father's joy for saving me. I felt nothing but pity and nothingness until he told me about his dream." Hollow and despair-filled sobs echoed in the room. "I…am nothing but a liar. I didn't want to be a hero. I…just wanted to die for what I had done…for the longest time." Arturia felt his hand on her face and saw the emptiness in his eyes.

"I…was so traumatized by what had happened, I forgot everything in my life before that night. I even…forgot my name. Emiya Kiritsugu had to give me a name." Shirō thickly swallowed, the pain bright in his eyes. "My name…was Hazama Hiroki. …That was my name." He fell silent for the longest time before he spoke again. Arturia, I…wanted to save you because I didn't think I was worth saving. I helped people and gave my heart out to them because I felt that I needed a reason to live. Until…"

"Until what?" Arturia gently gasped when Shirō's glassy stare bored into her eyes.

"You." Arturia was motionless as Shirō spoke haltingly. "I…found true happiness with you, Arturia. You made me smile. I felt happiness by just being with you. I…truly didn't feel as broken as I did before. In the days during the Fifth Holy Grail War and after, I felt truly alive…and I wanted to live. Which is why…" He closed his eyes then and brushed his nose against her cheek. "I would have died if you had left to save your kingdom. I would have…withered away into a walking corpse if you had fulfilled your wish, Arturia, which is why –"

"I am not worthy of happiness, Shirō." Arturia stated solemnly. Her emerald eyes darkened, and her expression became weary with sorrow. "I do not deserve happiness not only because I failed my people as king…but because I killed my daughter."

"Your…daughter?" Shirō whispered. The disbelief in his voice echoed against the sorrow in Arturia's eyes. He could see the loneliness surrounding her. The only time he had seen her this devastated was at the mention of her kingdom and her failures as a king. His voice was still weak. Shirō felt the tears from his eyes stop as he continued to stare at the young woman almost crying before him. His tears had finally flowed. His sobs and cries that had been absent for the long ten years and in fact existed.

Shirō could still feel the tightness in his chest at the memory of his parents' deaths. Their deaths burned again in his mind, echoing the broken and desperate voice and sobs that had emerged from him when he had finally admitted the truth. Shirō had wanted to die for so long. For causing the death of his parents. For not saving anyone. He had wanted to die, and the dream created by his adopted father had been the perfect disguise to hide his true wish. Now Arturia was before him, making Shirō think of the multiple conversations they had before. Through his dreams, he had seen Arturia's rise to king and her hopes and dreams. He had seen her death. So much he had seen, and yet…

Shirō's heart stopped. He remembered in her dream there was a figure that challenged her, that Arturia had killed. _"Father…"_ The face revealed was identical to Arturia's own.

"The person who killed you…was your daughter?"

"Yes," Arturia whispered dully. Her eyes were dark with grief. "I had to kill her…to save my kingdom."

"But…" Shirō tried to grasp the new information. _A daughter… _"How could that be? How could you have…?"

"Modred was not born as humans are. I…have not been with a man." Arturia glanced at Shirō's bewildered expression. "Modred…was a homunculus as Ilya. As an immortal being, the realm was concerned about bearing an heir. No one knew the truth of course." Shirō watched as Arturia began to become pensive. "The mage Merlin made it so that I could create sperm, and the sperm was placed in my half-sister's womb, another mage named Morgan le Fay." She looked at Shirō. "Do you understand?"

"Yes," the auburn-haired mage whispered even as he felt uneasiness cloud his mind.

"As you know, homunculi age much faster than humans. It is partly why Ilya has never aged. I did not see Modred's birth, or see…my heir until five years later." Arturia breathed heavily and her hands clenched at her sides. "She appeared before me, and approached me, demanding that I give her the right to the throne." Arturia closed her eyes, tension evident of her face, and did not move when tears trailed down her cheeks. "I refused her…and for that, she…rebelled. Eventually the rebellion spread through my kingdom, and I was forced to battle."

"Why did she want to be king so badly?" Shirō rasped. He had heard about rebellions stemming from cruel leadership and slaughter, but Arturia was a good king. She cared very deeply about her people. She cried for them.

"She believed it was her right," the former king uttered softly. "She believed that it was…her destiny to become king. And my sister manipulated her feelings for me once I refused her." Thick tears trailed down Arturia's cheeks, looking similar to the silver. "She wanted me to acknowledge her and to be proud of her. However…I could not. She…did not have the heart of a king." Arturia looked up at the wall and continued to whisper, the agony clouding her voice. "Although she was a very good knight and swordsman, she was cruel and arrogant. Her rage towards her life consumed her, and she did not care for the people. She did not…care for the happiness of her people. Mordred only wanted what she thought was her right."

"Arturia…" Shirō whispered.

"I killed her, but was unable to keep my kingdom safe. Modred had achieved what she wanted. She turned my beloved people against me, and would have taken the throne if I had not killed her." Arturia glanced up at Shirō, and the young man wanted to brush her tears away but she would not let his hands near her eyes. "If I had led my people…and not have cared for them…perhaps then Modred wouldn't have died. If I had allowed my people to be themselves and not would I have wanted them to be, then none of this would have happened."

"What are you saying, Arturia?" Shirō shouted. The blonde young woman looked up at him in shock. His eyes, formerly empty, burned in anger. "Modred did that to herself! She didn't think of the kingdom, but of her own selfish wish! You loved your people, Arturia. You loved them and cared for them enough that you would sacrifice your own life and emotions for your own wellbeing. Modred…didn't think of her people or of their happiness!" Suddenly Shirō embraced her, feeling her head against his shoulder. "You _were _a great king, Saber. You were the embodiment of what a good king should be." Softly, Shirō took Arturia's hand and caressed it. "Who told you this…Arturia?"

"His true identity was Iskandar of Macedon, and I was his ally during the Fourth Holy Grail." Shirō frowned, remembering the familiar name. His anger increased at the thought of the Holy Spirit. "He was known as Rider."

"Rider was wrong, Arturia." The emerald eyes leaked with new tears. "A true king is someone who truly cares for their people…_not _someone who believes that all of their people have the same dreams as them." Shirō continued to embrace her, feeling her calm in his arms. He felt her breath against his neck.

"Shirō?"

"Hmm?"

"I encountered one of my people during the war. One of knights of the Round Table…named Lancelot became Berserker…and despite of all the hatred inside him, he said that I was a good king." Arturia breathed deeply and sighed. She closed her eyes and smiled, softly. "Hearing it from you, however…makes me feel happy. It feels as if I truly believe myself now that I was a good king. And that…I deserve a second life, to be happy with you." Her wet face brushed against his own. "You truly are my sheath, Shirō."

For a couple of moments, neither of them said anything. Shirō was simply content to have Arturia in his arms.

"What is your dream now, Shirō?" At the question, the young auburn-haired mage didn't answer at first. His illusion had faded now. The life that he had led for the past ten years had ceased to exist with Arturia in his arms. At the thought of her, Shirō pulled away from her and stared deeply into Arturia's eyes.

"I had a dream once to save everyone in order to believe that I was worthy enough to live," Shirō whispered. He took Arturia's face in his hands and softly smiled, as in awe as he had been that night that she had found him in the warehouse. "That dream is now gone. I…have something else though."

Shirō could almost hear Arturia's heartbeat against his chest. He could see his eyes widen as he smiled. _Truly _smiled. He saw her face glow in surprise and happiness when he stated the words out of his lips.

"You are my dream, Arturia." He softly brushed her nose against hers, and held the beautiful face of the former king. _"Aishiteru." _Shirō laughed softly at the happiness seeping through him, and Arturia smiled at him, a smile pure of love and understanding as they shared a deep romantic kiss.


	11. Epilouge

_Epilogue_

The love that he felt for Arturia Pendragon, formerly known as Saber, had not faded with time. Twenty years had passed since the Fifth Holy Grail War, and Emiya Shirō was grateful that the Holy Grail had seen his true wish. Otherwise, he wouldn't have had Arturia beside him. Shirō stared lovingly at his wife. They had married when they were twenty years old, and those who knew the relationship they had were not surprised. The time of sixth century and the twenty-first had not separated them. Shirō smiled, remembering of the small wedding they had. It had been in the spring, when cherry blossoms were in bloom. Shirō remembered of how the flowers had framed around his wife's wedding dress, making her appear more beautiful than ever. The smiles of his friends that he had made since the Fifth Holy Grail War were happy with them, and Fujimura-sensei cried at the sight of bride and of the fully grown man she had come to see as a younger brother.

Shirō and Arturia had taken their honeymoon to England, where Arturia could see the country that she had loved and died for. Shirō remembered of how his Arturia's blond hair had served as a shield to mask the tears running down her face when she realized of how much her people admired her sacrifice and chivalry, even after one thousand years. Thirteen years now they had been married. Thirteen years he had woken to find his wife's sleeping and peaceful face beside his own. Shirō was happy, and he was grateful for it.

Ilya had died as she had predicted. One winter day she had fallen ill and became bedridden. As Shirō, Arturia, and the others that she had considered family over the year they had together stayed in the lone room seeping sunlight and crying, Ilya smiled bravely and said they were silly for crying over something they couldn't change. _"I…had fun with all of you. And I want you to have even more fun…when I'm gone." _A tear had caressed her cheek, but it was from happiness and not sorrow. It was Arturia who had found in the morning, cold and lifeless, holding the fragile body of the child that she had come to know as a friend. Ilya was buried near the window towards his room. Even during the last days of her life, she had sneaked into his room and cuddled with him. A chestnut tree stood as her grave. Ilya had told Shirō about how Emiya Kiritsugu had played with her by always hunting for it together. Shirō always visited Ilya every day even as the years came to pass that he couldn't remember her face. The chestnut tree would always bear fruit, as a reminder of what the young child had loved.

Shirō had been happy for Sakura when she found a man to love her. They had met during college, and Shirō considered Ishikawa Akira a kind man with a gentle disposition. When the two had started dating around the second year of college, Tohsaka had remained wary of the dark-haired man until she had a deep conversation with him. _Tohsaka probably threatened to hurt him if anything happened to Sakura, _Shirō remembered thinking as he noted the young man's strange nervous disposition towards the elder sister during their meetings together years ago. Now Sakura was happy with her husband of ten years, and was the mother of two nine year old twins, Kaori and Kariya.

Tohsaka seemed almost proud when Sakura told her the male twin's name. Shirō allowed himself an inward smile at the sign that bond between the sisters had healed. Although the auburn haired man had known Tohsaka Rin for twenty years now, the female mage still insisted on him calling her by her surname. _"It's…too intimate," _the brunette had stated as she had attempted to hide her blush. _"It would be like we were dating." _Shirō had noted that even with her son, Tohsaka was formal and somewhat distant. The twelve year old Tohsaka Makoto was extremely reserved and was often silent during the conversations, and called him Emiya-_san _despite the fact that Shirō had first held him as a newborn. However, he was extremely protective and adored his family and his childhood friends. _Although…he is a tsundere like his mother, _Shirō thought with a quiet laugh. A sudden thud made him turn towards the sound, and he immediately smiled at the sight.

Arturia Pendragon was standing in a defensive positon as her daughter stood to face her. The nine year old child stood from the blow her mother had aimed at her, and stood with the same determination in her eyes although they were the same color as her father's. Her younger brother attempted to disarm their mother as well, but Arturia knocked the kendo sword out of his hands. A stunned look appeared in his amber eyes.

When Emiya Yui had been born, their eldest, Shirō had been stunned to find that his beautiful and brave Arturia was afraid of holding her newborn daughter. Arturia's eyes were bright with sadness, and Shirō then understood that although more than a thousand years had passed, Arturia remembered of her relationship with her other daughter, Mordred. Shirō had encouraged his wife to hold their first born child, and he had been happy when he saw Arturia's look of wonder on her face when she held the baby in her arms. The child with the same blonde hair as her and the same eyes as her father. They had decided to name her Yui, gentle binding, for their patient and gentle love had bound them together.

As he watched Arturia and Yui spar as he did twenty years ago, he thought of how much their daughter was very much like them both. The nine year old had her father's kindness and her mother's bravery and their resilience. Although the Holy Grail Wars had been destroyed ten years ago, the legacy existed still. Makoto was his mother's apprentice, and both Kaori and Kariya knew some level of magecraft. Yui, much to all of their surprise was talented at magecraft. She knew simple projection and other skills that Shirō knew he would never learn. Although Tohsaka was proud of Yui's accomplishments, Shirō worried that despite their efforts, another Holy Grail War would surface and their daughter would be forced to fight a battle that her parents had fought to extinguish. He thought of his six year old son, Hokori, the splitting image of him expect for his straight hair, and worried of how he too would be vulnerable to the Holy Grail Wars. He had more of his mother's disposition, and Shirō could see himself in the boy as well as he waited for an opening. As he looked at the three people he held dear to his heart, Shirō was grateful that his adoptive father Emiya Kiritsugu had found him that night.

_If I hadn't met my father on that night of fate… _

Shirō was pulled out of his thoughts by a familiar voice.

_"Otōsan?" _Shirō turned to find his Hokori looking at him curiously as he stood with Yui "What are thinking?"

Shirō smiled at the young boy. "I was thinking I should spar with your mother," he stated, ignoring at the sight of his children's dismayed expression. Although the man with simply happy to watch his children practice with their mother, Shirō wanted to spar with Arturia again despite knowing that it was hopeless. The four of them knew that he could not disarm her. Shirō saw Arturia look at him curiously before a gentle smile appeared on her face as he approached her. Her former long hair had been cut to her shoulders, and unlike Tohsaka, her height hadn't changed as an adult. Her face had thinned and there were a couple of lines below her eyes, but Shirō thought of her more beautiful as she aged.

"Shirō," Arturia stated with such solemnness the Heroic Spirit she had been flashed before his eyes. "Don't hold back," she stated as her husband faced her with a kendo stick in his hands.

"I won't," Shirō stated as he stared as he looked into her eyes. "Saber," he breathed so softly that their children couldn't hear. The knowing look in his wife's eyes alerted him that she had heard. Shirō ran forward.

_Trace on._

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Thank you all for your favorites, follows, and reviews. I couldn't have done it without you.


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